6-17-10 I Walk Alone

6-17-10  I Walk Alone

Are we ready for the weekend?? Mine starts early as I get every other Friday off in the summer time and tomorrow is my first one! I am celebrating by heading into the city to see a comedy show and do some dancing at Karma Lounge on Friday then Saturday the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island and Sunday its ME day---I am spending it alone and I am not telling anyone what I did (this is homework that I don’t understand but hopefully after its done I will)

What an interesting week I had---it started out with an e-mail fight with my closest friend, the person who other than my kids means the most to me, or used to there for awhile anyway till I messed it all up and he put up a load of boundaries and didn't give me a map to navigate them!. I had written to him to discuss a reading at church, somehow we went back and forth for a day and into the next one and it accumulated with a phone call and the decision to spend the rest of the summer apart! And boy did I think I had fearlessly accomplished something with that one, and well I did but it was the opposite of what I thought!

The first lesson:
I set out all excited about the whole thing with the great energies available with this grand cross thing and what could be manifested and I started off with focusing on my house selling and my move (which energetically things are happening I am glad to report) Then I started thinking of my friend and what HE needed to change and I focused on hoping for that, feeling quite good about myself for being oh so caring about his welfare and betterment ------when THIS hit my mailbox:
>>Wed. June 16th> The Grand Cross is firmly in play and I doubt there is anyone that doesn't feel the blaring call to initiate change in their world.
Unfortunately many do not see that change comes from within and instead try to bend and shape the reality of others in an attempt to "fix" that which lies within.
Witness and sort the info and continue to bring definition to what you have to offer within the collective <<
And I was like whoooaaaa they mean I need to change ME, crap I thought I was almost done with me what the heck else do I have to do?

The second lesson came:
>>When there is an area of conflict in a relationship, it is usually a sign that each person is reflecting to the other one an energy that the other one needs to develop. If the two people don‘t begin to integrate these opposite energies, they will begin to polarize even further in their familiar directions.<<
So I requested to have dinner with another Reiki master friend and we talked much and she pretty much concluded that we both came into each other's lives to teach one another. And we have done that, I know meeting him totally changed my life in amazing ways and set me on a wondrous path of self discovery and blossoming fully into my light. I hope I did for him too and set him on a good path as well..... I also don't think we are done yet but for now I know we are---time for us to walk alone again.

The third lesson:
So I took this to my spiritual group which is a lovely connection of souls I found on the net and we get together and discuss things.
and this is what I got from them: >>From Eckard Tolle - "A New Earth"
Someone who in childhood was neglected or abandoned by one or both parents will likely develop a pain body that becomes triggered in any situation that resonates with their primordial pain of abandonment. can trigger a major pain-body attack. the emotional pain they experience goes far beyond the pain that is natural in such a situation. It may be intense anguish, long lasting, incapacitating depression, or obsessive anger.<<
So there we had it, he was right it was my pain body and past hurt I *thought* I had healed. But my abandonment and lack of self love was screaming at me. And I can't really love till I let go of this and love myself. I can argue you till the cows come home about how much I love myself, and I DO love myself! I am freaking amazing! But you know what? I hate my body, the very thing that the I AM that i am is stored in, and of course that's my fault and no one else’s despite that fact I'd love to blame my mother (who almost let me starve to death at birth or my grandmother who stuffed me with brownies and chocolate milk to fatten me up because of her fears) The point is we can all find people, places and things to blame but in the end we can only blame us, only forgive us and its with us that the change has to come from.

So for the rest of the summer at least, even though I have many friends to spend it with and I will.....ultimately I walk alone......and that's OK, it's more than OK it's freaking great because I am going to spend it with ME learning to love me so that the Love I give to others will be a more perfect love! I hope you all do the same!

Love, Cassie
Green Day - I walk alone

Do not make it an obligation to love someone.

Love because you feel love. Love because you are in love.

Love because you do not need to need but you want to give. Love because it makes you feel good to love and it makes you feel good about yourself, not because you want someone to just feel good.

No. Do not make it an obligation to love someone. Love is never an obligation.

Love because during someone's darkest hours, you will be there. Love because during your joyous moments, you have someone to share.

Love because you know someone is loving you too.


https://youtube/Soa3gO7tL-c

Holy Cow talk about fast acting once I make my mind up---I called my Mom right after posting this and told her I need to forgive my birth father before I can accept love, can you get me his address I want to send him a Fathers Day card---while she was looking for the article (he just ran for public office this past fall and my family sent me articles, talk about right under your nose)---I told her how at church I filled out the mass card for prayers for Fathers Day. I listed my Dad (step the one who raised me), my Pop Pop, Gus-the father of my sons and I even listed my special friend who's not a father and said "because he always wanted to be a father".

Anyway she couldn't find it and suggested I look online, so I found an office address and phone number, got brave and called the office hoping to get an e-mail address to send an electronic one. It was HIS voice on the machine! I hung up like a fool! Took a few deep breaths, waited a bit and called back! And left a message!!
Nobody ever better tell me I am not fearless because making phone calls is one of my BIGGEST fears, leaving voice messages in the top ten (right up there with snakes and Ooompaloompas!) ---but I DID IT! I said this is Cassie (he picked out my name right before he abandoned us and headed off for law school the day I was born)---I just wanted to wish you a Happy Father's Day and to say that I forgive you, I understand it must have been so hard for you back then and I do hope that you are well and happy.
CLICK
My heart is still pounding and the tears are flowing and Sunday when I spent my alone day I am sure there will be more to come---but I did it!
The KEY is Forgiveness, and that's the only thing that can UN-lock anyone's heart........

Please get your keys out this Father's Day.......and drive yourself home to those changes you want to see in your life...

Love, Cassie