8-6-10

8-6-10

Sigh---that's the summation of how I feel now---a big fat drawn out s--i--g--h. I returned from Vermont on Wednesday and I am just shell shocked. It was the most wonderful the most painful the happiest the saddest vacation I think I ever had! It's hard to believe the ripples I created by choices I made out of fear and pain and at this moment I have no idea how anything can be fixed and all I can do is keep listening to God and trusting that no matter what he will take care of all that concerns me.

It all started Saturday when I drove up to meet my ex-boyfriend, it turned out to be 9 hrs instead of 7 because I followed my GPS (those things are so helpful and so off track other times!) I put a new book on CD in the car called Women, Food and God to listen to and actually did learn much that I will share at a later date. I got a phone call from Victor, who forgot what day I was leaving, and then proceeded to tell me what a mistake it was to be going the route I was on I should have gone a different way and began to tell me numerous options, all this once it was too late to get out of the mess I was currently in! Then me being me I got concerned because my friend didn’t answer my text, but I figured he was off playing or hanging with friends.

I arrived safe and sound though in time for dinner and to hear the story of how he was biking and decided to lay on a bridge in the sunshine, apparently a huge bear came galloping past him and went to drink in the stream....30 minutes later, multiple mosquito bites and him laying still as a mouse with his mountain bike over him the bear finally left none the wiser that he wasn’t alone in the forest! It was about the same time I had been thinking about him, and said a little prayer hoping he was enjoying his ride and angels please keep him safe! And here I thought his dangers were the usual roots and rocks on the trail and trees!

Anyway he said how glad he was I came since no one else came with him and how sad it was to be alone and how he missed his "family". That of course poked a nerve in me and I felt the need to say something to him about me and the future and how I hoped to find my own love and family. We did a lot of that this vacation, in between the nice talking and the reminiscing and the future dreaming the reality of today kept rushing in between us and we just kept "poking the bear" when really we should have just let it lie there quietly and go away on its own....

So Sunday morning I woke up with the intention of letting him sleep while I went to Mass and meeting up later, however the shower wouldn’t turn on (due to unavailability we couldn’t stay at the nice place till sun night) and I had to wake him, he wasn't able to turn it either and I apologized for waking him and went to the office to get let into another room to shower. It was closed! I keep forgetting I am not in Jersey anymore when I am up there! I was so frustrated I sat down outside and cried and prayed. God why am I here? This is not fun, seems to be a big mistake and I don't know what to do , why am I here?? And my little voice said..."You are here to love him, not to be loved" and well peace came over me and I realized after all the problems and hard work and rough life he has he deserved to be loved and I was going to do that. I went back in and surprisingly found him awake, we discussed our day, I offered for him to go play and I would amuse myself somehow and meet him back at the other hotel later. But he wanted me with him so we decided on breakfast and heading to the beach by his favorite lake and a lovely day we had!

Monday we wake up and he wants to go for a very long ride on his motorcycle to his favorite trail, despite the patchy rain threats...now mind you this is my moment of truth, I left this man because I couldn’t bear to see the look of sadness on his face when I wouldn’t ride and sent him off to find someone who did. I prayed to God then and I prayed to God before this trip to give me courage to do this for him......but the courage didn't come. We did make a compromise; I followed him in my car!  It actually ended up being fun, he got to go as fast as he wanted on the turns, I got to be comfortable but still see the scenery, we stopped together for sights and for lunch, and when it started raining I was glad to be in the car and he did have the option of parking the bike and coming back for it later. He even ended up saying he thought it was dumb at first but ended up liking it that way, having me there after all was the most important thing.

Tuesday was biking day and I kept telling him he could go alone as I was not yet in shape and ready to go great distances like he was and I didn't want to ruin his vacation but he insisted he'd rather spend the day with me and we could go as far as I wanted and turn around. But nature had other plans; it started raining just as soon as we walked outside. So we spent the day in the hot tub and in the room and in the evening dressed up a bit and went for a nice dinner. We ended up doing what we always do and ordered the same thing, they regretted to inform us though that only one was left, each of us told the other to have it and in the end we split it. Over dinner he ended up confessing to me how awful he felt when I left him, how he stopped doing all the things he loved, and I told him how very sorry I was for causing that pain for him. I told him I left him so he'd be happy and find a woman who would ride his motorcycle and he said why do you get these ideas in your head? I don't know, Mary my adviser says it’s because I fear love so much and I still need to fix that. I told him I felt better though that we had spent this time and forgave one another for the pain we caused each other and he said its part of your path. I was taken aback because that’s what Victor keeps telling me, to follow my path.

When we got back to the room we talked more about living in Vermont someday and also having a home at the shore or at least on the bay, and then he told me If I die before you, when you die come up and you will find me riding the loop I showed you yesterday and get me before you go back up, I told him if I died first to come find me at Sandy Hook that I’d wait for him there. Then I sent him off to the hot tub alone, drink in hand and I stayed in the room feeling sad. But I got a text, it was a picture of him sitting in the hot tub! I texted back that I missed him and he came up to the room and made himself another drink and begged me to come sit with him down there. So I did and he got out his phone and showed me how he had all the pics of me still in it, I started scrolling through and he said you better stop now but I said no I need to look and see the reality and accept it...and I did. Being a woman I gotta say I was glad to see (by my estimates) that I was better looking, and remember how walking back from dinner he was behind me and I asked what was he doing back there and he said "checking you out and admiring how hot you are"...ahh always so good for the ego he and I are for one another. But anyway, as I got close to the end the phone started ringing, it was her....I quietly handed the phone back to him and went back to the room alone.

He came back up though within about 15 min and asked was I mad, no I said not mad, are you sure? yes I am sure it's partly my fault things are this way I said. He laid down in his bed and started mumbling and rambling about the drinks going to his head (he rarely drank when we were together) and saying I am alone so alone. I said no you aren't I am here now and when you go home you have your "family". Then he said can I come over there with you? I said sure honey and he came and held me in his arms so tight and said over and over I have all I need right here, I have my Cassie and I have Vermont, I have all I need right here...the last repetition he added and I have my "kids"...and as he fell asleep with me I couldn’t help but cry and think how crazy it was that one of the big reasons I left was because he didn’t like to sleep with me and here he was doing just that , and after the first night he didn’t even need his ear plugs.

The next day was sad, packing and getting ready for me to go home. Over breakfast I told him I dreamed I was in his house and he confessed he had the same dream. He and I often meet in our dreams, it’s uncanny but we have learned to accept it. In this dream he took me to his house and showed me how full of stuff it is and how he doesn’t like it that way, he and I are both neat, orderly, not too much clutter around types. Then he walked me to the car, we said our goodbyes and I drove off toward home praying and giving it to God and feeling some peace. My friends began calling and texting and I was heading back to the reality that I live in.

The next two nights he's called and talked to me, told me about his day, what he had for dinner, sent me pictures of A-frame cabins on the lake like I have dreamed since being a little girl of living in. Talked about how great it was to be together and he said I felt so sad when you left, I said me too, and he said me more and we did that silly back and forth like teenagers in a first crush. Then he said he was going home today, and I said so then you can't call or text me? He said not so much and when I said how lonely I would be again he told me to put up and ad, go on dates, don’t be alone. I asked him how can you say that and still say you care about me so much? Don’t you want me? I asked, and he said "yes I do but for now this is the best I can do so you will be happy" Sigh........

I woke up this morning and my heart felt like it was in a vice grip, the song I'm already Gone playing in my head, my fortune cookie read: Accept the reality of a situation with dignity and just for good measure a poem was posted about how being alone with yourself was better for you. It's clear to me what the signs are saying......he's left me and gone back. I don't fully understand why he choose what he did despite the fact I know losing those kids love is his biggest fear right now but all I can do is accept it. Some would sit here and say I just got used, lied to, had my head in the sand, but I know better, I know him, I know his heart and I know truth from a lie. (and I have a team of psychically gifted friends to help me too! haha) and most of all I know him as well as if we were twins like he often says he thinks we are. Twin flame is more like it.......sigh......but at least we can be together in our dreams at night and we know where to find each other when this life is ended.

Today take a look at what you have created or are creating in your life, be sure that the choices you make are ones that come from wisdom and not fear or pain. And accept the reality of your life with dignity, give it to God to heal and move onward. Trust that no matter what the future bring he will find a way to make right for you when you work with him. And most of all, when you find a love as great as I found, don't give it back and say I am not worthy. If you weren't worthy you never would have been given that gift in the first place.

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone
Already Gone