8-18-10

8-18-10

How's life treating all of you this week? Good I hope, and I hope you have been doing your relationship work that the moon cycle has steered us to. I know that I have.

Monday started out with an altercation and an overreaction by me with a friend who nagged me about missing a holy day of obligation at church and praying to the sky to hold off rain instead of the Blessed Mother. Now like I have said before I am a Catholic but I am what you call a "cafeteria catholic" one of those who takes from it what I like and leaves the rest for someone else. (sorry but holy days of OBLIGATION are like last week’s dried up meatloaf in my book). I am this way and I am proud of this fact, it means that I have payed attention and I have studied not only my faith of choice but many others as well, and I have made my beliefs personal. Do I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and came here to die for us? I sure do! Do I believe that if you don't believe that you are going to hell? Heck no! I don't even believe in hell thank you very much. In my "personal" opinion the only hell there is is the place that you are when you are not walking in light, and you don't get sent there when you die you live there every day!

But at any rate this altercation with this friend caused me to firmly identify an area that I need healing in so that "button" couldn’t be pushed any more. I also need to love myself and know that I did not nor will I ever need approval for what I choose to believe in. And neither do you! I did manage to make up with the friend because he and I have great love for one another and of course since I had drug Vic into this as he was a mutual friend I had to listen to his lecture on how much longer are you going to carry this one around with you and when are you going to learn to act and not react and why do you feel the need to reply to messages the instant you receive them....yadda yadda yadda. God I hate when he's right sometimes! Actually I hate when he's right most of the time, but he's not always right! LOL

Next on my list was the relationship with my ex-BF. I did meet with a friend who has been having an affair for years and asked her how does she handle it, how does she make peace with that and live with the joy as well as the pain? She gave me some advice and I listened to it, I was formulating a way to handle this somehow and he even called me that night soon as I left her. I told him about seeing him on sat night and he said he though that was me, why didn't I wave or call and I said because I didn't know if you were alone or not, he said that he was and what a shame we could have hung out cuz he was lonely. Then he told me about how hard he's been having to work but when I was giving him encouragement regarding his current job situation and telling him the messages I had been getting for him in this area I realized that he really does just want to stay where he is even though he's not happy instead of creating something better. He told me he didn't want to wish for a better job because he could end up worse off and this was good enough. I realized then that this philosophy also applies to his relationships and he wouldn't make any moves to change his situation to be with me. If it happened on its own he'd move with it and be with me like the psychics say but he wasn’t going to choose it, he was going to do what he's always done and that is live by default (which is his right). But sorry I am not a default option, I have more value than that and it's time for me to stop compromising myself and my integrity and personal code of values for this. I want to be chosen like something you went to the store for and personally selected for yourself by thinking about what you want and need, evaluating consumer reports, thinking of the right color, etc. something that you planned to keep forever, a wise investment. Not just something that you picked up that was left out on the curb and even though it wasn't a great fit it was there and it was handy and it cost you nothing. No I am too good to be that thing, I am special and I am worthy and I will bring years of enjoyment to the one who sees my value and cares for me like a prize that was worked for.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell him before I change my mind again! The love I have for him, the love I thought I buried and locked away and cut the cord of is very very strong. Heck it lasted three years after I walked away, and there must be something there on his end because he always popped in now and again to check on me as well. Yes this is going to take a well thought out speech and all the conviction I can muster. This is going to have to go on the back burner and simmer a bit longer because it’s too important to me to just toss away again carelessly....I do want it but only in the right way.

But anyway as Victor pointed out last night, I have 25 more days until my 50th birthday and what a good time to make big changes. A milestone, one that I have no idea how it came up so fast. In my mind I am still about 27 years old and still wonder who these two young men are that think I am their mother and wonder why they roll their eyes at me for going to see the Black Eyed Peas, having a milkshake at midnight in NYC on a Wednesday night, making out like a teenager in my boyfriends truck in the moonlight down the shore (well that one's a secret sshhhh), taking up turbo kick boxing, mountain biking, improvisational acting and karaoke all in one year and really living life like it’s all about the fun and never the drudgery. Hey at least I didn't go out and buy a red sports car! Oh wait I did buy that white Scion Tc a couple years ago with the really kewl blue interior lights and neato spoiler. Oh my no wonder I get along so well with the ex-BF, neither of us grew up yet! LOL Then again we both have good jobs, own houses, nice vehicles, have 401ks and stick to our commitments.....I think we got it right if you ask me!

See I told you this was going to be hard to let him go! Yep time to pick up that book again, Change Your Life in 30 days........luckily I did the first four, and it only took me 9 months, hey that's how long it takes to grow a new life in nature....perhaps I have good timing after all....... I just told a friend today in relation to a friendship issue I just moved through------I told her that yeah as she predicted he and I were back to being friends again, just totally differently now. I said we may have blown up the whole thing but the foundation was solid and now we rebuilt it in a new way, and it’s better and stronger too. I think we did save the photo albums though.........

Therefore, lastly, the most important relationship that I am going to work on is the one that I have with myself. It’s time to make some BIG and lasting changes, changes that will carry me into the second half of my life and into the future that I want for myself. If I keep doing things the way I have I will end up in the same place again and again. Some of these places were good and some very much not so. I made some small changes but now it's time to bring out the C-4! I have some great foundations in place and others are going to prove to be too faulty to re-build on once exposed to the light of day. I will be figuring this out from now until my birthday , reading that book every night, and vowing to quit dilly dallying.....the rest of my life is a fresh page waiting for my design, and I am getting closer to the end of the toilet paper roll it’s going to go so much faster now, I am not going to waste any more time living in a life that’s less than what I want it to really be! I am going to design my new castle and be my own Queen instead of everyone else’s. I am going to put myself first always from now on, not all the people in my social network or my boyfriends or my religion even. My foundation is good and right and sturdy in the light and will hold the good things I am going to build on it. And then, like Beth says, my King will come…..

What about you? Any relationships in your life in need of a face lift, re-decorating, fall cleaning or the big blow up? Aren't you tired of living the same way year after year doing the same thing all the time and not doing or getting who or what you really want for yourself? Do you want to settle for getting by or do you want to manifest your dreams and achieve your goals?
Are you happy with the goals you have or do those need to be re-written too?
And please, don't confuse expectations with desires. Just tell God what you really really want, tell yourself what you really really want and then let it go, trust him to bring that to you and in the mean time........clean out a few closets, get rid of the rubble and start designing and building for your own personal kingdom, and make sure that YOU and only you are the King (or Queen) of that castle you are designing for yourself.....



With Love and in the Light, Cassie

King of Anything