7-21-10

7-21-10

I know I said I was going to update this blog Monday with all the exciting stuff going on with me, but well some of it ended up being a bit more complicated and not as great as I thought it was at first glance and I had to sort through it all. I have always been the “fools rush in type” when it comes to matters of the heart and then also just as quick to rush right back out again too!  So anyway on with my tale, and I do so hope that those who are reading this blog of mine are learning from my experiences, it would be easier to keep my trials and tribulations quiet but then if I hid my truth how would it do anyone but me any good? Right? So hang on this is going to be a longer one than usual…..

So Friday, concert, awesome time! The music, sitting out under the stars, dancing in the moonlight, lovely time! I don’t know why my life has been so concert deprived but as I said I am making up now for lost time! But anyway, I was with a friend who has been close to the friend I had recently had a parting of ways with and she and I talked about him a bit, sorted out some of our mutual issues with him and in the end both stated that despite the fact we parted ways, he’s a royal PITA and downright mean sometimes we still cared and we wished him well. She also said knowing who I was, and knowing who he was she suspected in time we would work it all out and be friends again. I really was neutral on that topic but was grateful the hurt and anger was gone, talking to her had helped a lot. I gave her and SpiritStone and to a few others at the concert, sharing and connecting always makes wonderful things happen...

After the concert driving home we drove past where my ex-boyfriend lives, the one I have been hanging out with lately as friends, and my heart jumped and I realized at that moment that I am still in love with him, and I felt a great sadness that I had walked out on him 3 yrs ago, and that I had pushed him away each time he tried to get me back, that I had not let myself be loved… and I wished with all my heart and soul in that moment that I still was with him and said God I miss him, I miss this area I wish I could live here and have him back, I wished I had moved in back then when he asked me, but things are complicated now, very complicated and I will have to explain this later. I headed home and checked my phone before going to bed and realized just a few minutes after that wish was made he had texted me and said “I got good news”! The next morning texting back and forth he was quite happy to tell me the news, and our vacation plans got upgraded and remember that condition he had placed on it? The one I didn’t want to accept but decided to accept out of love? Well that got changed too! See when you accept and plod on in faith and love, often you get what you wanted! I was riding high and I went to lunch with a gal pal and then bike shopping, mind you bike shopping when you can’t pay your mortgage, and your credit cards are high is a bold move but I had a plan in the works and my “voice” was telling me get one ( just as my voice had told me show love to him go on this vacation with him) hence the picture I posted sat and I did get it for half the retail price. I have always lived my financial life in total faith, ever since some experiences in college that taught me to live like the lilies of the field and the birds of the air and to trust in my God to provide my needs, and miraculously he always has. So I have never been extravagant but also never the miser, I have lived my life and shared my meager wealth with those in need and tithed at church and truste, I have never been hungry again, I have never missed a mortgage payment and miracles have occurred, because I trusted, and I gave and I had faith. I am not bragging here I am telling you the same can be true in your life.

So I texted him a picture of the bike and he calls me all happy and we talked and we planned our trip and were quite pleased, he had to get back to work but would see me Sunday, and I planned to go ride around the park and get some practice in so I could have half a chance of riding much with him who is a very experienced rider while I was waiting for him. I rested and then went to a BBQ that night. However my mood started to change, and I felt sad at the BBQ, it was as I said the time of convergence energies so I knew emotions would be in flux as the energies were working. I went home that night and had a big talk with God, I actually got a little cocky as I am known to do sometimes, and was so bold as to tell him, even demand from him that it was time for me to stop walking this life alone! Here I was going to be 50 in a couple of months, and my life has been a hard one, a mostly solitary one too! I had done all he asked me and dang it, it was time for my reward! Time for my happy ever after, my peace,my joy,  and that I was going to quit working so hard for him and abort my mission if I was alone on my 51st BD! My spiritual adviser told me at breakfast the next day that I was going to get in big trouble if I aborted, I said I know but I will pay my price and start over and we both laughed cuz we know it’s true. God always gives us total free will, and we must accept our “assignments” new each day. But I thought I just very well could be on the way to all my dreams finally coming true and dang it I was putting a deadline on them, I wasn’t getting any younger after all and just because God’s time is linear earth time isn’t!

Now Sunday morning I spoke with my realtor and discussed my situation, we decided that we would take my house OFF the market and I would do a refinance that I had discussed with my friends boyfriend who is a mortgage broker. Turns out he can re-finance the house, put all my credit dept and car payment into one loan and the payments be less than my current mortgage, so great news: I can hang on to house and good credit rating. Bad news: I still have to live here when I have been ready to leave for over a year now, and house has been on the market since I was with my ex-BF (we were going to both sell and buy a new one together) also bad news was I now was going to owe quite a bit and selling at my current price and paying all realtor fees would leave me with no down payment for a new place. But hey at least I wasn’t going to start missing payments and my tenant / webmaster expressed interest in buying but had to wait 6 more months. So I told her take it off, let me do my re-finance and in the fall we re-list it back up higher closer to the first offer I got, that number has always stuck in my head and I kicked myself many a time for not taking it. But I wasn’t ready then (it came just a week after I had broken up with my ex-BF) but now I am. And as I was talking to her about a higher price she had mixed feelings, her spiritual side felt it but her business side was not, but we got a sign and joy and rightness came over us both. I talked to my tenant he is staying on and we decided it was time to have one of my famous huge, invite the whole world, BBQ’s that I thought I would never have again. I recalled how recently someone was saying that wow everyone in NJ really does know you and we said it’s because so many have been to these, I always was led to open up and share my property with others knowing it was a blessing that must be shared, and in the planning of it I realized this must be what Beth was talking about when she said the house wasn’t done with me yet. This house and those parties brought together so many people over the 10 years I have been having them, I can’t tell you how many still keep in touch and recite them as in the top 10 best days of their life, how many couples I matched up and despite that I always went to bed sad and alone (except the ones when I had my BF) I know they were good for many and well I guess The Universe wants me to have at least one more of these!

Now I haven’t finished my story yet, but as you can see it’s quite a long tale to tell, I am going to finish the rest of it another day. I truly have been on the proverbial roller coaster! But despite the ups the downs, the excitement the fear, the butterflies the nausea, the screaming please God please God just don’t let me fail! I know that somehow, some way this is going to be good at the end, and I know it’s going to have been worth it and by golly somehow I am going to be loved, not only totally by me, but also by someone to share my life with too, once I stop being so afraid and keep my eyes open! . Reminds me of a time in college when we went to Florida for spring break and they forced me to go on Space Mountain, I held on to my friend Kieran for dear life, petrified the entire time but at the end was quite proud of myself for having done it and hey it was fun. My friend said what did you think of all the stars? I said what stars? He said don’t tell me you had your eyes closed the whole time, sheepishly I admitted I had and you know what he said? He said we are going again, and again, and again until you ride with your eyes open and see how pretty it is, I don’t want you to miss seeing this you may never have another chance. So I did, and it was lovely. So people, be brave, get on this roller coaster of change and ride it through, say your prayers, hang on tight and please. Try and not dig your fingernails in too deep or scream too loud into the ears of the friends who are with you on this ride and especially don’t forget to give thanks to the one’s that you can hold on to, they are invaluable! Most of all……..keep your eyes open! You won’t want to miss the beauty of it all……

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

She Will Be Loved

You will eventually lose someone you love and love someone you never thought you would find. People are going to hate you, love you, love to hate you and hate to love you. But the ones that mean the most will always be there, and the ones that are supposed to be in your life, will always find a way back in ♥