9-6-10

9-6-10

Yesterday's angel card was Romance and I sat there staring at it wishing my mystery man would text me and ask me to see him that day, Sunday was our day at "the hook" after all, why hadn't he asked me? Then I thought sheesee why am I being a little girl, I can ask him, screw The Rules, I always had been a color outside the lines, paint my horse purple with yellow stars kind of gal anyway! So I texted: Hook today after work? and he replied Ooops 4pm I get out....why ooops I replied? did you forget about me or do you want to meet tomorrow instead? (worry brewing) No no I had first said 3pm I get out, yeah today sounds good. Ok gunnison parking lot at 4:30 ? Sounds like a plan he sent back.

I took back my rsvp for a BBQ, e-mailed Vic to not look for me at mass and started getting ready. Vic calls on the way to church to nag me and I said listen I can be as close to my God in nature as church, winter time I will be there plenty. As I said this I thought how convenient it is that Christmas is in the winter time and Easter just before it starts to get warm out and people come to church less...yes quite a coincidence right? Hummm.....I shall leave my theories on that one un-spoken and let you come up with your own. You're late I toss back at him in a feeble attempt at defence, yeah I am but in a few minutes I am going to have the Eucharist on my tongue and you won't. Yes yes this is true, and he knows how much that means to me the brat....

I arrived at the designated meeting place 15 minutes early and opened my book, Intimacy by Osho. It had a passage about if someone is lying to you don't bother to demand truth, it is not your concern but thiers, and I recalled how the story varies with my mystery man and his "wife" and decided yeah whatever he says or don't say about her I don't care I only care about the moment I am living in. He ended up being an hour late but I didn't throw a fit like a child I just took a quick 15 min nap. He got there and said you sleepin? I saw all these chicks biking and skating..... I replied well go back and get one of those, allergy season's kicking in early and I am a bit more tired than usual. The old me would have gotten mad but this one I handled matter of factly. He then said ok so do you want to try one of the surfboards with me? Do you want me to go off and find you a chick who likes to surf I ask him? Noooooooo no I want you he said, then hush up about the surfing I am never going to do that. Ok he says. I gave him the glasses my little voice told me to buy him, turns out I got him 2.5 and he now needs 4.5 , his were lost and he can't find the stronger ones. I can I told him, your grandma shoulda whispered the higher strength too when she was nagging me to get you glasses I laughed. I also gave him the headset I got him and told him to try both and see which one was best for him and give me back one, I will do that he said.

We headed to the beach to enjoy our time, the air was cooler and the sun lower in the sky....summer's just about over.... It as always was still lovely though and I reveled in nature, the warm sun, the gentle breeze, the sand, the water all carressing my naked body and thought to myself this is just as good as the Eucharist, sure a dry wafer can represent Christ to me, Gods son he gave to us, but this... this was also a gift from God and could nourish my soul the same way. My MM was even saying to me see how healing this is here, the water the sun the sand the salt are all good for you. Yes yes they sure were and so are you good for my soul I thought to myself, he comforts me and caresses me and nourishes my soul like no one else can. I told him this too, I glanced across the water to the NY skyline and told him of my amazing adventure in NYC the day before, and all the crazy and wild and exciting things going on at home, on the job, with my friends, and with my business. This is why I need you in my life I told him. With you I slow down and relax, with you I turn off the computer and I open a book, heck he and I don't even answer our phones or texts when we are together. This was wonderful I said.

Later laying in the sun he tells me in a couple years I am going to go buy a house in Vermont, I will have paid off everything and I can do ok with not a big job and live up there and relax. Nice I say, and I will come visit you if you want I say. That would be great.....pause.....do you think you would want to live up there with me he asks? I sat there and thought wow, being with him is exactly what I want, then I recalled the trips up there when we were together and how it was nice but then he'd be off all day snowmobiling or biking or motorcycle riding and while the first few days of that were fine, eventually I'd get bored and lonely. I told him this, that sure it would be fun but after a week I'd be bored, you want to go to that area that doesn't even have cell phone service don't ya? Welll yeah, but they have the pond and they have a restaurant and a little store and think how fun and we can do this and that and make friends with the neighbors. You just described my childhood growing up on the farm in Ohio I told him (with more snow I thought to myself). Yeah how fun right he said? Well like I said right now I'd like it for about a week, then I would want to be back here, but hey if I was like 65 and not wanting to go out so much sure I'd like it but right now I go out a lot. I'd have to have a house here, in NJ down the shore. Right now I want one in Keyport cause I still have to drive to my job in Raritan, someday though when I am rich and famous I want to live here in Atlantic Highlands and have a boat that will take me across to NYC anytime, would you come live here with me sometimes? I can hire you to be my boat captain..... Sure sure I can do that he says...

Then my dreamland happy ending I was fantasizing came to a screeching halt. Wait a minute he and I are "just friends" where was my love who was going to come riding up with a ring and propose? What about the family he already had, the woman who is the wife one day the roomate the next? No important details were being ignored! So I told him sure you can visit me and I can visit you as long as I am still single......after all I want someone who loves me and wants me and no one else. He said nothing, so I continued and besides what if they want to go with you? What if "she" wants to live there. Nope no way am I living there with her I told you that when we were up there , we don't get along and I'd have no where to escape. But the kids I said, well I may bring them, they like me they are gonna stay with me they told me they are old enough to make up their own minds. Or maybe I can rent my house to them, sell it to them eventually....maybe you can and then they can support their mother I told him. Yeah maybe. But then she'll be calling you all the time, asking you to come fix things I will be thinking you are messing around with her behind my back I said. Doh! No no no she ain't like that with me, never was. But I heard so many versions of this story of him and her and them how was I to know what the truth really was, and you know I wasn't going to try to know it.

The night was dark and the lights were on in the city, we were strolling along hugguing each other at the waters edge, so warm and nice against the cool air. See we got lots of summer left he said, and made plans to come down there again. I am getting hungry I said can you come eat dinner with me or do you need to get home? Well she did call and ask me to come home and start up the grill.......then go do that I said......but I know her she'll come home say I am tired and go to bed in her own room (suddenly she was sleeping in her own room again??) ........no no you better go I told him because no matter what you belong to her not to me, she buys your groceries, cooks your dinner, washes your clothes and go with you to the emergency room (I still thought that one was a lie to but I won't ever say so). I told him though how I did finally realize that I wouldn't mind so much having my own room after all that it was just because I didn't feel loved but I was so insecure then nothing you did would have been enough, I didn't love myself. Yeah I know that he said, then added and I don't really want a chick who rides my motorcycle and my snowmobile its more fun to go with the guys and come back and talk about it to someone. I realized that at last the little girl hurts were gone, I had grown up and learned to love myself, I could leave her there at the beach. I then added to him, you know I used to also see that you were such a kid always wanting to play but I now see that I am the same, a kid at heart who likes to play and always will. I knew you were just like me he said but I let you figure that out for yourself. So even though she was waiting for him to come start the grill we sat there and talked for quite awhile longer, he told me he'd come see me one night after work and he also told me where he takes his dinner break, if I was out that way.........

Driving back up towards home he and I drove side by side off an on till we reached Keyport, there were fireworks going off in the sky and we pointed up at them to each other.....yep Vic my friend is my confetti guy but my MM he is my fireworks guy..... I stopped to eat dinner alone but didn't feel at all sad or lonely, and just as I was paying my check Vic calls and in the background they are singing NYNY at Karaoke, he sings it to me over the phone and then says I am in Long Branch then heading to Asbury come on down and hang out....it was nearly 10pm then, no I am tired heading home but we will go out and sing together very soon I promised..... Yep home at 10pm is where I want to be most nights, with a man would be perfection. I called Mary and told her about my day, she was more excited than I was and I reminded her how marriage was very important to me as was being loved. Give him time she said he's just scared, and don't forget you want to be a writer, Vermont's the perfect place for that.....I know all your friends tell you to go away from him, he isn't offering you enough but trust me a bit longer I see what's in his heart and I believe he will build a future that will make the both of you happy, he just wants to build it himself and see if you will come live in it with him because if he builds it he will know its solid, he trusts his own craftsmanship. This I knew was true.....and I know that I too can also trust his craftsmanship....if he makes a room for me, and we decorate it together, I know it will last forever.

Today can you look at the little girl or the little boy in your life? Think hard and figure out what parts of that child you need to let go of and what parts are worht keeping. Lay down that hurt and pain because that won't server you well now, give yourself a great big hug and love yourself with all the love that you maybe didn't get enough of when growing up......and know that sometimes when someone isn't coming to you all the way just yet is because they have a few hurts of their own yet to heal......forgive them and be patient, maybe they fear this is all just too good to be true.......stick around and show them how real it really is..........



With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Go Away Little Girl