8-8-10

8-8-10

Great insights can be discovered intellectually or come in the form of sitting in the lotus position on a mountaintop or in an Ah-ha moment .....but I believe that true trans-formative change only comes from experiencing intense unyielding pain and being fully present to it!! -VSM



That's the quote that started off my weekend with an Ahaa moment on Friday while talking to Victor, he had posted it on his favorite life coaches page the day before and I had seen it but it really didn't give me a true impact until we were on the phone talking about his current trials and tribulations. He was telling me the story and I burst out laughing uncontrollably, it was a sad tale but when he got to the part about the skunks I couldn't help myself! (he promises to blog about it so I won't spoil the story). He says nice nice you laugh at my pain and went on to tell me about the insight behind this quote when it suddenly dawned on me that this is exactly what I needed to "get". I was going through this horrific pain over losing my ex-BF BECAUSE I NEEDED TO HEAL! Duh! And I can't run from it, hide from it, numb it with drugs or alcohol or food or sex or shopping. I can't rush right out and find a replacement love. I must feel this pain, and I must feel it so deeply that I resolve to do all it takes to heal myself so that I don't cause this to happen again.

So feel the pain I have been doing, I haven't heard any more from my ex since a text Friday morning and the pain is almost unbearable sometimes. I get a little happy and hopeful and full of faith that no matter what I will be OK, God is with me but then I see something that reminds me of him and it all comes back to me. I watched this movie Saturday afternoon called "Fools Rush In", and it tells about the signs that will lead you to where you need to be. I recalled how when he and I had our first date, driving up to meet a group for hiking and he sat there and told me about how he kept getting "signs" to come meet me. He told me he was shy to do so, thought me being an organizer and all I wouldn't have time for him or pay him much mind but the signs were so strong. That's what made up my mind to give him a closer look...

But anyway this time is about healing and fixing me and the moon cycles seem to confirm this. I always check them out with this awesome lady I found on Facebook: in2themystics.com/ She lives near me and I hope to meet her someday. So I headed off to Beth's house for another Reiki session. I told her that Mary said I need to work even harder on my little girl hurts, to find out why I don't feel worthy of Love and why I pushed my ex away and didn't believe he loved me. We did this and she said she saw me as a little girl, about 2 or 3 sitting on the floor sobbing uncontrollably and my mother was standing above me yelling at me because I had displeased her in some way. She said that she just kept yelling and berating me and I hoped that she would pick me up and hold me in her arms and tell me it was OK and that she loved me but she didn't. I felt that pain like I was really there, and as I was sobbing on the treatment table she said you know your mother was ill and had her own pain and that is why she yelled so much and was not able to comfort you. I said I know I know and we have talked about this and I forgave her long ago. She said yes I see that and now you must heal. We ended the session by holding hands and connecting my Reiki energy with hers, she said she feels a powerful love from me and that's why so many people are attracted to me. She said because of my intense pain I gained the ability to love so deeply and so strongly and to try and see it as the gift it really is.

I then went to pick up a gal pal and go to a picnic and spend some quality time. She is going through some pain and transformation and I was able to help her with that. I also talked to another friend sat night who was in need of consolation and companionship. Funny how when I feel like I am dying, and in between that praying that I will die God still brings people to me that I am able to help and comfort, I can only attribute it to him because I know I have nothing that is from me I am empty and I am sad and each day I don't hear from my ex-BF I die a little more...

Today before heading off for church I made a phone call to my mother who is in the hospital again. This time to get a pace maker put in. I talked to dad a few minutes then she got on the phone. She started off telling me how she had a dream the night before and how much pain and sadness it made her feel--she said it was about a child being abused--my heart gripped tight as if someone was squeezing it tightly in suspnese and I asked her to describe it, she said it was a beautiful little girl, maybe my cousins daughter Jessica she wasn't sure but the girl was being mentally abused and crying and she felt so bad for her and wanted to pick her up and hug her and tell her it was OK. Well I burst out crying again at that and said Mom, that was ME, you dreamed about ME and that was YOU yelling and I told her about my session the day before. She's like oh my god I am so sorry I was so distressed though, so full of my own pain. I told her I know I know I don't blame you. She told me that I always used to hide under the table and hug her coat and she felt bad for me but she didn't reach out for me, I just couldn't she said I am so sorry you suffered so. I told her maybe she needs to ask god to heal me of all the pain she gave me and she and I prayed right then. I then told her about my ex and all that was troubling me, she said she always liked him. That he was so loveable and likeable and how sad he is in this un-happy situation. She said maybe I was too nice to him and he felt more comfortable with someone who abused him and bossed him around and I saw that there could be some truth to that. I asked her to pray for him everyday to be healed and she promised she would. I apologized for not coming home more and told her I just feel so sad there, the only time I felt good coming home was when my ex went with me. I don't know how I am going to handle going when one of them dies but I guess I will deal with that when the time comes, there are other things to deal with today.

Sitting in church later I thought of my ex and how he said he feels really bad he hasn't been going to church for awhile because he works Sundays, he and I used to go together, his mom taught him to go, she'd sit him down in the back of the church with a quarter for the collection plate and go off to work. So I asked God to find a way to help him get there soon. I then started to think about him and his crazy bike and motorcycle riding, he still rides harder that most kids! It suddenly dawned on me, when I am hurt I run away and I hide, when he hurt as a kid he rode or drove as fast as he could, now I understood. I re-called the image of him riding in the rain Monday while I was following him in the car, stubborn and determined to keep going and ride through that storm. He made it back safe and sound, if rather soggy. I understand now why God didn't give me the courage I had prayed for to ride the bike with him, this he must do alone just as I must be on my path alone while I am healing....

So hang on people, ride out your storms and feel your pain and resolve to do what you need to do to heal yourself and get out of this and into your fresh new lives....



With Love and in the Light, Cassie

ridin the storm out
Ridin the Storm Out