8-15-10

8-15-10


I hope everyone's weekend was lovely. Mine was interesting as always.

Friday afternoon I got a text from my ex-BF asking me if I was still meeting him when he got off work. I was not feeling well physically or mentally and I would have to drive all the way down there and he wasn't going to be getting off till late. That and the whole thing with him saying his girlfriend was going to have his phone really upset me and drove home to me that even though they were not married, for all intents and purposes I was "the other woman" and well I just don't like this its not who I am at all. So I said no and said I wouldn't be available again for a couple weeks. I went home and spent the evening alone and did a pretty good job of not feeling too depressed about that fact. I knew I needed to sort this out, to find the balance between my love for him and the belief that we belong together and it's just a matter of time to earn back his trust, and to remain to true to myself and my truth and integrity and not allow myself to be hurt or compromise my beliefs.

Saturday I met Beth and Deb to see Eat, Pray, Love and I had forgotten how much I had learned in that book when I read it the January after I had broken up with my ex-BF. As a matter of fact the person who told me to read it was a new friend and she was "the other woman" in her own life and I made a date to have dinner with her next week to ask her how she handles it and to apologize in case she ever felt judged by me back then. I particularly identified with this quote from the book:

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Oh was that me all over again and then some! I was born to be a wife and a mother and a nurse and a caregiver and just a giver all around. My name itself is a derivative of Catherine which means "helper of men". God granted to me not only the gift of compassion, and of empathy, but also that of healing. I also have this way of seeing through all the outer bad stuff of someone into the core of their goodness and what they can be instead of what they are really being right now. Some would think this wonderful but it's also quite dangerous when you aren't strong enough or wise enough to know that you must first and always treat yourself this way. I recall a summer or two ago my ex-BF came to see me when I was down there and told me how my coming into his life set him on a path to change it all for the better, he said he wasn't so happy but he made it work and he wondered when was it going to be my turn? I did so much for some many when would it be my turn. I told him I wish I knew......if only I had know then that my turn was going to come when I finally would decide to take my turn!

Anyway after the movie my gal pals and I went and had lunch and talked and they were both on my case big time about this, telling me that I need to stop allowing myself to suffer, to walk away and if he loves me he will get rid of her and come to me. They also said that I need to learn to be happy alone and I need to fully find myself and well I supposed that was true. I know I can go to movies alone, and I have even gone to a club alone but I can't eat dinner out alone nor would I ever consider traveling alone. If I did marry my ex-BF I could possibly give up my dream of traveling because he only likes to go to one place. I guess I did need to think more. After Deb left though I sat and talked to Beth and said I know you two mean well, but you don't know everything--and I sat there and explained it all to her and at the end she said OK I get it I get. I said what I need is to find my balance here, how do I not loose me or hurt me while still not letting him feel abandoned and to give up? I knew with him there would be no climbing up on his horse and showing up with flowers to sweep me off my feet, he just wasn't a movie hero (but he was my hero in many ways) she asked me why I loved and wanted him, and why I was so sure about this and was satisfied with my answers. She promised to give me Reiki soon and in the meantime to think on this and help me come up with a solution. But now Cassie take care of you that's an order she said and I promised I will, now and for always.

I left and started driving down the shore to go to a drumming and belly dancing circle at Sandy Hook. Victor called and said he'd meet me and maybe after we could go hang out and I was grateful for the company. For a second driving down there my little voice said "maybe you will pass your ex-BF on the road" Shut up voice I said! But as I pulled into the park and was headed for the meeting place I glanced over and saw my ex's truck!, my heart skipped a beat but of course I couldn't go see him I had no idea who he may be with and I felt sad but also glad that he was nearby. (yeah crazy I know) Anyway....I got there and they were on break so I went over to the ocean and said my prayers to the universe and to God and I put a SpiritStone down in the sand as an offering and as the waves came in and took it I said Ah-Ho, thank you.

The belly dancing was fun, I got to meet some new people and offered to help him promote his events in the future on CassiesCalendar and he was happy to hear that. I also saw someone I knew from the pagans group and said hello, she told me she hasn't been well having anxiety and her diabetes acting up so I gave her a SpiritStone and charged it with extra healing for her. She told me she always liked how eclectic I am with my belief system and despite that I am Catholic (she is a "recovering catholic" as many pagans I know call themselves) I accept everyone. I said to her we are all God's children and she nodded. I talked to her about the spiritual center that I hope to have someday and she was very supportive.

So the group broke up and everyone started to leave and still no Victor. I took a little drive around the Sea Gulls nest just to see if my ex-BF was there but he was not. No answer from Vic as I headed out of the park and I am thinking north or south? South to Dockside as that was where Vic wanted to go or North to Bhar's the place that my ex-BF and I always go...I chose north and ended up sitting eating dinner alone at Moby's (the cheaper place next door) and well it was OK, even somewhat pleasant to be there and I was thinking see I am choosing what I want to do and what I want to do is come down to the beach and eat seafood! That's what I used to do with my ex-BF! This was my own choice as well, not just what he wanted to do and me going along with it! My little voice kept saying go to Dockside but then Deb texted me and said sorry for being so hard on me but she loves me and hates to see me sad and I texted that I know and guess what I ate dinner alone! Congrats you she texted----and now I am going for ice cream I texted! Now that's something my ex-BF wouldn't do with me, course that's for my own good, he eats pretty healthy and does set a good example. So I went to get ice cream and did my best to get him out of my head despite the little voice that kept saying he's at the bar (he did confess after I left he started drinking and it does worry me) so I just sent the angels to look after him and pushed him again out of my head.

After the ice cream I start driving towards home and I see fireworks going off up the road and wonder if he's home setting them off with "his kids". Get out of my head dang it I said again! Then as I slowed down a bit to watch them, suddenly I was passed on the left and it was him! Oh my God my heart really started beating then! I got scared what if he sees me and thinks I am stalking him? What if she or the kids are with him? OMG! So I got behind him so we wouldn't get stopped side by side at a light! But as we neared his turn off he got to the right and I had no choice but to pass on the left...I glanced over but he was leaning forward looking up at the fireworks, he never saw me, and I glanced too quickly to see if he was alone or not. But my heart tells me that he was and truly it doesn't matter......he's still there, not far, so close that I could almost reach out and touch him. If this is meant to be it will be, I felt a great peace. As Vic says have a little faith damn it! What's meant to be will always be and if you don't get what you want it's only because God has something better for you.

Today Vic calls and tells me how he got there 10 min after I left, he got stuck coming down by the drawbridge! I smiled to myself and recalled how one time I got mad and was driving home and leaving my ex-BF in a snit and got stuck by that stinking drawbridge! I was fuming and he texted me "please come back I miss you already, I'm sorry" I went back (too bad the drawbridge wasn't up the day I left him for good) I thought of him every time I drove over that bridge these past 3 yrs....Anyway Vic says he left his phone at home and went to Dockside thinking I may go there. I guess the universe wanted me to stick to my plan of being with myself last night, and now that I think about it Its very likely he and my ex-BF were both there last night! Ha ha ha!
But anyway I went to a birthday party today for someone in my Karaoke group, they were all hugging me and saying how they miss me so much and we talked of going into the city again soon. I reflected on how it's good that I have them and it's good that if I do end up with my ex-BF while he won't be into going to Karaoke, or to NYC like I love so much I knew he wouldn't mind at all me going. Cee got up and made me sing "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" and saw how once again she picked something that answered a question on my mind. Then Vic got up there and sang our favorite driving into NYC song and I felt more great joy. He really is my soul-mate that one, but just like Liz says in her book. You don't want to spend all your life with a soul mate, they hold the mirror to you and help you grow but no one can live with that kind of intensity everyday!

So listen to me people and pay attention to the lessons in this movie...
Eat--nourish your heart and your soul by doing the things that you love to do....
Pray--get close to your God or wherever your faith comes from and listen for the voice that will come to guide you...and
LOVE! Love love love love love! Never pass up a chance to love anyone ever, just be sure that you love yourself first and foremost always.......Here's to better days for everyone!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie



Better Days

Darling you'll be the one that I can need and still be free our future's filled with better days.........


PS almost forgot to mention that I actually met Liz and Jose once, they have a store in Frenchtown which is just about 15 minutes from my house..I highly recommend a visit there

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