8-31-10

8-31-10

So last night I head home with the intention of riding my bike...3 days of bike riding a week and 3 days of walking a week minimum that's my commitment to love myself......I pull in the driveway and Jeremy and his friend Dan are lugging the rest of the bags of garbage down from the big party we had. Counting the bags and adding up the overage costs I wonder again why exactly I have these huge parties. Then I walk into the house and the new tenant has moved in. Great I say, do you have rent money for me? Well I really didn't live here this week I paid ya for, and I didn’t get many hours at work so can I start paying in Friday? OK I guess so I say....... Then I talk to Dan who wants to take some SpiritStones and sell them for me in his E-bay store, also some of the clean out junk I have and what the heck instead of me passing on the books I have read he's going to sell those too! So there's me looking out for me better than in the past!

Then I remembered it was my ex-BFs first day at new job, so I texted him to wish him good luck and to say my spirit tells me to tell you not to feel bad about the hours it’s just a stepping stone to what he really wants. He sent me back a picture of him at work and he looked so cute, much better and I had a good vibe about it. See the wish I got him to make the day of the Eclipse came true, he just needs to refine it... After that a lady came to the door and wanted to talk to me, apparently she rented to my last tenant after I kicked him out, he mistreated and took advantage of her for the past month stealing booze, stealing money, and leaving a mess like he did for me. She kicked him out and now he's threatening to take her to court for the security deposit and is in a panic. I am a single mother trying to hold onto my house she cried! Don't I know that feeling I said--give me his number…. I called him, coward that he is he didn't pick up, probably still had my name in his phone..... I left him a voice mail saying I was standing there with her, how DARE he threaten and mistreat this poor woman, and don't even think about taking her to court or I am going to be sitting there next to her with all the bills for the furniture you ruined, the housekeeper bill, the dumpster bill for the disgusting mess he left me and I will them them about the hundreds of jugs of piss you left up there!. Grow up, dry out and start acting right this is despicable! I know deep inside you there's a better person than the one you are acting like. Oh it felt so good to get to tell him off, to feel empowered that maybe I didn't stop him from doing what he did to me but I stopped him from hurting her. She hugged me and thanked me and said how long did he live here? A year I sheepishly admitted, and it had only taken her a month to stand up and stop being a victim of an abuser. Because seriously there are so many ways of abuse and that guy did abuse us both by stealing from us and trashing our homes and out of fear of scarcity we allowed it to go on for awhile. To love yourself you must not allow yourself to be a victim in any way!

I went upstairs to change for my bike ride and got to thinking, and I know it's cliche but the only thing we really do need to fear is fear itself! Once you stand up for yourself and not fear and trust in God you can do anything! Once you stop fearing you can love yourself, and then you can love others. I headed out to ride but when I got my bike out and got on it the tires were flat! I had to bring it home and have the kids put air in for me. Oh well tomorrow night I told myself........ I got another text from my ex-BF and then at the end of the night a call. He's so happy with the new job and has some plans for his future, he didn't say so but it sounded like some of those plans could fit me in as he talked about getting transferred nearer where I live. My reply was that I wasn't planning on living here much longer, well there are other places too and he named several. But I need two more years, two and a half maybe to get everything in order he told me. Thinking to myself and wondering if he was trying to tell me something I just started telling him see when you think good you spiral up when you think bad you spiral down......yup well I gotta go walk the wife’s dog, talk to ya later he says........

So well like I said there's hope for me and him, but we just aren't on the same page yet, so the cards are still being shuffled there may be a new love coming then if the current love doesn't want to become new.... No way am I waiting another two years if that's what he's trying to tell me. No my promise that spring after I broke up with him from God was loud and clear I would be 50 and planning my wedding........I've waited a very very long time I am not willing to wait nor do I feel God is going to expect me to wait much longer. Life is short enough why delay happiness? I would not be loving myself if I keep living in this self denial. I can't make his choices nor can I force his choices but I can make mine. Summer is almost over, fall is fast on its heels..I can’t afford to spend one more cold winter alone, not financially or emotionally, I am drained and I need a little care and comfort back for all I give out. I am not going to sit and wait anymore for someone to give me a turn! I love him so much and I hope with all my heart he decides he wants me but because I must love me first, by living my reality and not only hoping for a dream to come true I choose ME!

What choices are you putting off today? Are the delays wise ones or ones that you make out of fear or inadequacy that keep you in the role of a victim in your own life? Not choosing to kick out that rotten tenant, or apply for that new job, or start that exercise routine, or be brave and say I love you to someone, or waiting too long to be loved back.......every choice you make or fail to make because of fear spirals you downward. Every choice you make in bravery, in conviction, with pure faith, and with love spirals you upward. Which direction are you heading? Don’t let fear bury your chances in the sands of time….go on with your life, don’t wait for anyone! Have the faith to believe who ever is meant to go with you will catch up……..

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Endless Summer Nights