7-30-10

7-30-10

Have I been telling you that my weeks have been wild and hectic? And have you believed me? Well you may not believe this week because it tops them all, no I swear it really does. Thank God The Grand Cross energy ends on 8/5 because I am worn out! I am heading to Vermont tomorrow till Wed to relax and re-charge with mother nature, she's the only one who can calm me now. Sit down, get some popcorn and I swear what you are about to read is ALL true.........

Monday night my son came home with the girl he's been dating, begging me to be nice to her (I can't stand her I like Carly, the one he was hanging out with before he met her but was too shy to ask out) he didn't look well and I was giving him the 3rd degree, so then she comes in and well for the sake of political correctness I am not going to describe her or my opinion of her, just suffice it to say she was slurring and swaying herself and I swear they were on something. But I was nice to her, after all I am a single Mom of two boys and one's in Wyoming in the Air Force, I KNOW I have to make nice with my son's friends, especially girlfriends or I could risk spending holidays alone in my old age and seeing my grandchildren only in pictures! I can't tell you how many times I have ridden around in my car with a few kids listening to their music, one song I did kinda like called Riding Dirty! LOL I can see why the music and lyrics can be seductive (a good reason to pay closer attention to what your kids are watching and listening to) and I always let my boys help choose my vehicles, currently I have a Scion Tc with a spoiler and interior blue lights, it's pretty smoking actually!

Anyway, they were hanging out on the back porch smoking cigs and came back in to ask to use the car to go get food........"You're kidding, right?" I said .not only were neither of them on my insurance but as I said they looked like they were on something. They went back outside and my little voice said lock up your keys so I did. He then came back in and asked could they take my bike. My new bike? You're kidding right? You wrecked my car in Dec and have lost 3 bikes this year so NO, you can never drive my car or borrow my new bike, never.

I then went upstairs and I cried and I prayed and I said to God, now I know what my ex means when he said part of what held him back with me was being afraid of moving my son in too, said he sees the anger and the problems and wanted to work on that before we moved in or made a big commitment. I said dear God, 12 years I have been alone and again one of my children is keeping me from a relationship! This isn't fair! The older one swore up and down if I re-married or brought another man in our home while he lived there he would leave (my ex-husband was a very mean alcoholic) so I barely even dated and when he went in the Air Force 6 yrs ago I thought maybe then...... but just the one ex-BF I am seeing now came along, no one to marry and share my life. So I cried and told God it wasn't fair but I said I love my son and I must put him first and stay here with him and fix this, (he's 19 going to be 20 in Sept). Then I wept and I cried and I begged God to help me help my son. I have tried and tried, counseling, church, spiritual friends, guy friends to talk to him, sending him to Ohio to work on the farm in summer, anything and everything I could think of! And something I didn't think of that friends suggested.

It was going to take a miracle that's all I knew. I went downstairs and told my son why why why don't you listen to me when I tell you to choose better friends? My motto I tried to drill in my son's heads is: Who you spend your time with is who you become, choose wisely. I hugged him, said we are going to dinner once a week and talk, we haven’t done that in so long. He said OK and then went into the you should have hugged me more, I never thought you loved me, I have no self esteem, I have no father.....then I started crying again and said I am sorry sorry sorry my life has been so hard and I know you have suffered because of it---he said I know Mom I know.

The next morning I got up, he came in after having been out all night, looking more bedraggled than ever, I asked him when was he going to do chores and bring me rent money, he said later, going to pool with girlfriend and was back out the door. I then went upstairs to get dressed, I looked out the window and didn't see my car! The wave of panic that came over me is indescribable----so I ran downstairs frantically calling him on his cell, no answer, left message. Ran to parking area incredulous that my car was not there, ran to side of house to see if someone had parked it by the barn, nothing. So I went in and called the police to come. Then I went to my room to throw on clothes and noted that the spare key hidden in my dresser drawer was missing. I called Jeremy again and he picked up, sounding all drugged. I told him to get right back here, my car was gone and he needed to give names and info of all the kids he let in my house (which he is not allowed to do but does anyway) to the police because my spare key was missing, had to be someone he knew and let in my house. He never showed up.

After the cop came and headed off to where his girlfriend lives (he knows her well I found out later) Kyle showed up. He has been a long time friend of my son and practically lived with us at times, and I had just given him a sample SpiritStone product that I want him to test for me last week. Anyway I explain everything to him and he agrees to drive me to the girlfriend’s house. That began a trail of stops that lead to the girlfriend's mother, the local police station, the police station in another town and then to where my car was impounded. During this journey I found out much information from both the police stations, the mother and from Kyle about my son and his behavior. Kyle had recently got on track to straightening his life out because he has a daughter. What I learned was they stole my car, drove it into NYC, ( that girl is from there ,she told me this herself when we met) and has connections, they tried to lie about it but I thought to use my EZ-pass statement and it showed the parkway and bridge crossings. Side note to that: I never before used EZ-pass but Victor nagged so much about the lines when he and I were making our NYC treks that I got one, so again the grand design was already working back in Feb/March!

The kids had gotten pulled over in a local town for careless driving, she got a ticket for driving with a suspended license and since he also has none (I had to have him surrender it in Feb or they were going to raise my insurance to 8K a year) they impounded my car and let them go. My son could have told me this when he came home but he did not. So needless to say I had to agree to a police search of the car for drugs before I could have it back. Funny how much I learned this day and funny the quote I had posted on Facebook:
"Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the guru".~ Joko Beck
And the angel card: guardian angel, they really did protect those kids, and my car and shed light on ALL things so I knew what I was dealing with and could take steps to handle it. My son is going to be moving out of my home with the help of Social Services, this will be a better tough love move than the one I made a few months ago when I kicked him out to teach him a lesson during a fight, this time he will have counseling, support services, and also my support and help. I wish I had looked closer into this before, I knew he had problems but I thought I was doing enough and I believed the lies. We all know we don't want to be in darkness but I tell you sometimes the gray shadows are even more dangerous because it's subtle, any good con knows to tell some truths and sneak the lie in the middle of that as it’s so less likely to be noticed. That and tell people what they want to hear and create a sense of calmness...

But anyway because of my prayers and what God put in place as a result of those prayers he's on the road to help, it’s going to be a very hard one, and a very long one but he's in the right direction now. He came home last night with Carly and  she is going to give him another shot. He's happy that he's moving out and being helped to help himself, it's hard especially for boys to rely on Mom, they do have a natural instinct to "be the man", only it's so hard for those who never had a father to teach them how. He also found out that the other girlfriend lies to him, a hard thing but something he needed to see.

Just before he headed out with Carly he came over and hugged me and said thanks for forgiving me and helping me, I will do better now, I will get some help and fix all this I promise, love you Mom. What else could I hope for right? Oh and he said one last thing before heading out.......I bet the house will sell now once I get my place, I said why, he said because I have been praying all along that it wouldn't sell because I don't want to leave Flemington! The little brat! But hey, a good reminder that God has to answer EVERYONE's prayers, and sometimes yours takes a bit longer because everything else has to fit also and that takes some careful time and strategy! This must be what Beth and Jodee were picking up on when they said the house wasn’t done with me yet.

So, the lesson here is to get your head out of the sand and take a good look at what needs to be fixed in your life and the lives of those who are connected to you. Often we try and rush onward and not take care of things, we want to go through life "Riding Dirty" and it just won't work for our highest good that way, you have to go through the hard work and clean up the messes and fix the broken things first. God will always help you when you ask with sincerity, and don't loose faith if you pray for help and something bad happens, could just be that’s the way it has to go to set it right. God’s not the one who messed things up don’t forget that so don’t get mad at him if the way back is a bit rough, just be glad to know there is always a way to fix anything and he is always there by your side every step of the way to help you help yourself.......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Chamillionaire - Ridin' ft. Krayzie Bone
Ridin Dirty