The universe has no memory of the past, except the love that was given and the love that was received. ~Marianne Williamson~
TGIF everyone and happy Friday the 13th! How was your week? Mine was busy and productive both at work and at home and actually business wise as well. Most importantly I am on my path and the work I am doing right now is defining how I am going to love myself and what that looks like and I am going to set an example to follow for everyone who reads my words. With that in mind I decided it was time to set things right with what was going on with my ex-BF. I know I love him, I know I want him and I also know that he has things to deal with and set right before anything can come to fruition between us. IF anything is going to come to fruition, he never made any promises to me; the only thing he promised me was that everything always changes. In my heart I have the faith to believe what Mary is telling me, because this resonates also with my feelings on the situation. I "feel" that he loves me, I feel that he is afraid to trust me because of how badly my walking out on him hurt him, and I feel that we are meant to be together. But at the same time as my friend Deb points out, I have to LIVE with the reality of today, I must take care of myself and I can't live my life hoping for tomorrow. And I need to LOVE MYSELF NOW and set up what I expect and how I need to be treated in order to not compromise myself too much when I am making compromises for someone else.
With that in mind I texted my ex-BF when I knew he'd be at work and said: wow off two days, not working, and you didn’t find time to contact me at least once--I don't feel loved. His reply: ooops sorry-- miss u Now the old me, 3 yrs ago would have still been angry, like that's ALL he's got to say for himself? But the new me knows to not react in anger but to act with dignity and respect. So I said OK, I just feel you don't care when I don't hear from you. I won't bother you, stay cool. He texts: maybe I can see you Friday, me: OK I won’t make any firm plans-him: but not till 8:30 (he works late)--me: so down there then? (i prefer he comes here but its summer and near his work and more practical) him: that would be kewl, we can go for a walk by the shore he says, OK I text let me know if you think you will be hungry I will bring a picnic--I was thinking of seafood dinner ,no? he texts. Even better! I text back.
So I was OK then, he wasn't gone maybe Mary is right he just needs time to right all of this. Later that night I was pleasantly surprised by a phone call from him! It's your mystery man he says and then tells me all about the fun he had after work surfing till dark. He told me he missed me, he told me how Sunday evening he went to dinner and walking with a guy from work and his new wife and how he felt so sad walking alone with the two of them. I felt good, I felt loved and missed and he said he'd call the next night..... He didn't call the next night but I did have dinner with Mary. We talked about him and she reminded me of how badly I broke his heart, how amazing it was he was even trying again with me, and how he was scared to give up the life he has and doesn’t like to get the life he wants but doesn’t believe he can keep or is worthy of with me. and when I said I wonder if his telling me to put up personal ads and go on dates was just him testing me she smiled and said I wondered how long it was going to take for you to figure that one out!
With that in mind I didn't feel too bad when he didn’t call as promised on Tuesday night. But then Wednesday as I listened to my friend define what she was going to propose to her guy she sees but he also has issues (of a different kind) I realized I needed to set standards for my own self love and respect in this relationship I had. I put that intent out there and things began to happen.........I got a text from him: don't text me I will text you. WTF? I didn’t text you I sent back. He returned: just a reminder, girlfriend is going to have my phone-- miss you lots. Now I was getting mad, when I am with him she's the tenant now she's the girlfriend again? I sent back: no time to miss me with your happy family there with you. He sent me a picture of him in a hospital bed, very appropriate because he is sick--this is sick. This is not a healthy situation for either of us. I am not loving myself when I am allowing myself to be in a situation that is not making me happy.
So I went to my spiritual girlfriends and hashed the whole thing out and I see how I just bent my own moral compass back way too far. Granted he is not married but he lives with someone else and he doesn’t want that someone else to find out about us and well that was just making me feel bad and sad and not glad one bit! I really need to do something...so I tried to come up with a plan to keep him and keep my self respect, but I couldn't. They told me that I need to end it and tell him don't come back until he's free. But I will be ALONE I wailed, the love the sharing the caring we have was worth something to me I cried! And I don't want to be ALONE, I have always been alone I hate it and I don't deserve it and again with the by golly I am not going to live with LONESOMENESS anymore! But Beth reminded me that my King cannot come to me until I can learn to like being alone so that I can choose who I want, not out of fear of loneliness but out of choice. I did remind myself that I did leave my ex-BF and his reaction was to grab the first thing that came along so he would not be ALONE and now he is not moving out of that situation and running back to me because he fears he will let go of that and then I will leave again and he will be ALONE. Ugh talk about a vicious, dysfunctional, co-dependent circle!
Now I know why my ex-BF is this way, what childhood traumas got him to this state of being, that's why I forgave it, understood it and I thought I could love him out of it. But even as I sit here and type these words I realize this isn't the way to go---because I knew why my ex-husband was an alcoholic, I knew his childhood traumas, and thought my love could heal that too. Well I knew how that turned out! He drank like a fish, abused me and the kids, and was in jail by the age of 35 and dead by the age of 40. Can love conquer and cure all? It surely can! But only God's love and a person finding their own self love from the God presence within themselves, not my love or someone elses love for another person. (Even though God's love does show up in the way of another person sometimes too).
for what i wouldn't give~for the seashore and the beach~and you and me playing in the sand~for a moment in time we would live~making love with the rhythm of the waves~you would have all i have to give~~~~a moment in time with you~is all i ask of forever~you are my life's shinning light~where all our skies are blue~i wouldn't care about a tomorrow~if today was a moment in time with you~~~the outlaw poet
I have thought up something really fun to do with Victor tonight (weeding and harvesting at my community garden and watching the meteor shower) to replace the plans I had with my ex-BF and if Vic is not busy. I also made plans to go see Eat, Pray, Love and have lunch with Beth and Deb tomorrow and then go to a drumming and belly dancing event at Sandy Hook , Sunday will be church, pool/karaoke party with friends winding up the weekend with an outdoor concert and picnic with my social group. So yeah I am alone but never alone. These past 12 yrs since my husband was gone I have built a quite sizable network of friends so I have found joy in my loneliness and I will carry on….
Pay attention and learn from this path I am on, find your healthy balance between reality and faith, don't ever let loving someone cause you to not love yourself enough but please don't be so hurt that you lose all trust either. Start by trusting yourself and then set a good example to those around you. We shall carry the stones and build the path…... I saw this today in an homage to a pagan elder who recently passed and it made me think...We are all on a path to enlightenment, the things we learn and leave behind are the stones that will make the path easier to walk for those who come behind ...what stones are you carrying to the path for those behind you to follow?
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Led Zeppelin- Stairway To Heaven
Stairway to Heaven