9-2-10 Walls

9-2-10  Walls

Retreat, that is the angel card I pulled today, after yesterdays freedom it pretty much sums things up for me. Time to go off alone and think and meditate. I spent some time going over with Todd the way things would be if he took over the mortgage and stuff, and then my friends tossed in all their concerns and now it's time to back off and think about it. I will have to consult my lawyer as well. It's totally what I want to do at this juncture; even if the re-finance goes through I still have the problem of the high winter heating bill looming over my head. No I really want to leave this house now, get a small apartment to live in for awhile and do some more sorting out of my life and where it's going to end up. That’s what I want and that’s what I am going to attract. I don't think I will move to Keyport just yet though and instead go halfway between there and my job, near my church. It just would be too hard on me to be that close to my ex-BF, being there and not able to go over would hurt too much and like I said what if I ran into them out somewhere. I can't go all the way; he has to meet me halfway....

After work I went walking for an hour with RJ who is working on getting a steady group launched! Yay me! It was like 96 degrees out too and I still did it so I am pleased with myself, and I can lend him some assistance in building his group too. After the walk I was going to go check out the new Sonic for dinner but Mary called was saying she felt all out of balance and really needed some Reiki. I came home and we did a quick session, I get these like 45-60 minute treatments when I go but when I give Reiki it seems to just last 15-20 min. Mary said that's OK because you pack a strong punch anyway, Rapid Reiki that's what happens she said! Hummmm a new name perhaps to advertise and get some clients? Vic finally convinced me I can do it out places and don’t have to get people up on a table, in a candlelight room with music playing...hummm maybe I can become a traveling Reiki master, charge half the cost of a regular session, be able to see more and help heal more....maybe I shall...

Anyway during her treatment I was guided to tell her to visualize going into a forest and finding a huge tree, there she was to hang all her troubles and worries. As she did that several messages came through and I told her what they were, which were basically a series of trust in God, when has he let you down, just because it's dark outside don't you believe the sun will shine in the morning, just because there is snow on the ground don't you believe that flowers will bloom in the spring? Ask to see what the lesson is and learn it so that you can move on from this hard time. When I felt I was done I told her to say good bye and thank you to the tree and come back. She came back to full awareness and I asked if she experienced anything, yes yes I did it was so neat she exclaimed! She said that she hung all her worries on the tree and then it said to her go around to the other side, when she did she found a treasure chest full of gold coins! All my worries had been changed into a treasure and returned to me! Oh I feel so much better Cassie, thank you, she said. I refused her offer of payment saying you read me so much, and also when I channel the healing energy through me for you it heals me too. Ask any good reiki person as they will tell you the same.

By this time though it was past 7 and I was starving! So off to Sonic we went! We talked about my idea to do a rent to own for home with Todd, how I felt that since the ghosts won't let me sell then I am just going to leave them there! I was the master of my fate not them! Luisa had reminded me that they all hung out there and kept watch over me, I also recalled how my ex-BF saw my ex-husband there (he passed over in 7/01) and he did not want Jeremy and I to move, there have even been a few incidences of him "walking in" to his body but I won't get into that now. I know this stuff seems pretty crazy, and I only half pay attention to it anyway---sure the spirit world is fascinating, but truly its the real world that matters here and now. She asked me about my ex-BF and what was going on there and I told her, and then said he sure would love this place I am going to bring him here to eat sometime if he visits me up here, he'd get a real kick out of these waiters and waitresses on skates! Just then I got a text from him: maybe I stop by it said. Now that surprised and pleased me and I said when, 9:45 he sent back--sure I replied I am out now but will be home by then. Wow I said, I had only asked him to call me tonight if he could this is even better! See she said, I know all your friends think you are not being wise but I saw that man's heart, I talked to him when you left him and he was drunk and crying to me, he’s always kept in touch... I know the depth of his love for you -- he's just afraid, give him time he'll keep coming around more. I hope so I said but this hurts me, if he keeps testing and doubting he's going to take all the shine off this love I have for him. I recalled his old tire theory and how it's good to keep some laying around as you never knew when one was going to go flat, but anyone knows if you leave them around they don't just go flat they eventually degrade. Then again I am more like a steel belted radial than a bicycle tire....yeah I am resilient, built to last.....I can stand the test of time if need be.

So I went home and showered and put on something nice, answered a few e-mails, IMed with a friend who I wanted to tell my new theories on self healing, and called Vic who was preparing to go to Karaoke, he had invited me but I had declined, it just didn’t fit in with what I wanted on a wed night at 10pm......Then my ex-BF arrived, and early at that! He came in the door and I wanted to run over and hug him.....here he was coming to me! But he looked timid and unsure so I just walked over to see if he'd hug me.....he did not. But he was telling me all about the new job and how easy it was and how he couldn’t believe he gets paid for this! So we went upstairs and it was so nice to be close to him......he however seemed distracted, tired, not there 100%. I asked him and he said he was just drained. I said yeah hard to keep up with two women I guess and he said yeah........ugh why am I sharing someone? I can't give 100% when I only get back 50% this isn't good. He then tells me that he is kinda sad that his job is so lonely, no one to talk to...even though he absolutely hated the other one at least there were people there making noise, arguing, talking in Spanish, he wasn’t alone. I said well you can call people but he said no I got packages to carry, get a blue tooth I said I love mine.......well not sure it would work he said.....so I went downstairs and got mine and said take it a week and try it and if you like it you can buy one. The old me would have handed it over to him to keep but the new me just can't afford to give so much, besides he never buys me anything...the kids the new chick he buys for them, he showed me boogie boards, and told me stories of eating out and trips and such and I saw a picture in his phone of her with a huge pile of birthday presents. Ya who knows if I'll even get a card.....I know other years all I got was a text, even though on his I had a new bike shirt sent the year we broke up. I know he thinks I don't need anything but I do, it's the thought that I need…the caring, the gesture.....then again he had just driven all the way up there to see me…..

Anyway I told him about my moving plans and I said remember you texted me about that vision you had of me in a small apartment, tell me more of what you saw. He did but that's just a dream don't forget. I am not sure I said, I know that you astral travel and don't just get a vision or a premonition you go to the future and see it. I don't know he said not sure if I believe or understand it. That's OK you don't have to. Then I said that I only need a small place, I am hardly home and I want to travel and I started going on about all the places I want to go. He didn’t look happy and just said yeah you do that........I wanted to say I wished he'd also go but he has told me many times that Vermont is the only vacation place he wants to go. So I said it's OK my friends will go with me and I will still go to Vermont with you too whenever you want me that is. No he said, you don't like the ride remember, too far you said remember? Actually what I had said was I would not drive up alone, if he wanted me to go he had to bring me with him, but I didn't bother to remind him, if that's how he wanted to think so be it. If he wants to keep walls between us that was his choice. He could choose something else, whatever he wants, to move closer to the new life we could build together or back towards the one he had with them.

Well this was so nice I said, was such a surprise. You told me to come he said, no I asked you to call I said...but I am very glad you came and you can come again if you want. I meant it to, so long as God doesn’t bring me a new man I was here for him but I won’t be asking, he has to do a little reaching towards me, asking for me. I know his comparison to his old and new job was similar to his home situation, she was gone for a few days he said, the kids off to a club down the shore, him all alone. Even though the old job was hell and loud and noisy he was not alone. Same thing at home, even though they spent all his money, she talked mean to him and didn’t give him affection at least he wasn’t alone. Choosing to love me equals abandonment to him I think, because he just can't forgive and trust and try again with me because I left him and in his mind would probably do it again. *sigh* I am not going to walk you out I said its midnight and I need to get up in 5 hours, that’s fine he said---But I did ask for one thing.......Don't leave without hugging me OK? Do you mind? Of course not he says and came over and leaned over and gave me the longest strongest hug that it warmed my heart and felt so good and I hugged him back just as hard.......

Today look at the walls you have erected in your life. The walls that are keeping you from things. Are they healthy boundaries or prisons from your deepest desires, the things you want so badly but are afraid of them hurting you? Is it time to escape those walls? I know I am going to leave this house and these walls that enclose me from my new life, even if I have to live in a small place for awhile while my castle is being built.... What about you? Are you ready to come out from behind you walls?

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Tom Petty -  Walls