8-25-10

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

8-25-10

Wednesday I woke up with a song in my head. Didn't really get it's meaning at the time and was disappointed at that and the fact that I didn't have memory of the dreams I had the night before. I had been texting with my ex-BF yesterday and he and I had made a "date" to meet in our dreams last night. The way I figure it that's the only way I can have him in this lifetime. He did say he would have some time to see me this weekend if I wanted to but I was really torn on that one. I feel I could be wasting my time looking at a closed door and only being used, and I also feel like I am taking what belongs to another woman. So I texted him that I felt guilty, wasn't sure if it was right, yet my messages keep saying stick with him so I was going to have to pray and meditate on it. OK he texted back, and I appreciated him not pressuring me or anything. That's another good thing about him, he never tries to manipulate to get what he wants. He'll ask and then be patient with ya. Me I want to be begged a little but I realize that's not good as I need to be responsible for my own choices.

I came home and Todd was around (my tenant/webmaster) and he said that it's not my job to worry about the other woman it's his and if he thinks it OK to see me I should see him, that since I love him I should do everything I can to get him back, and I know he cares for me deeply that's not even a question. I also talked to him about my son, about him trying to buy my house and if Jeremy could stay there if he buys and he said sure he's a good kid. Yeah I know he's a good kid but his and mine dynamic is way off, we need to live apart and he needs to grow up to his potential, that's not going to happen with me there paying his bills and buying his food and clothes. He agreed it was time.

Later in the evening Vic called me to check on my progress on the book I promised to read. Change Your Life in 30 Days. He had read that book last fall and set off on a path of transformation, slow by my standards but then again it's not for me to judge. I had to confess that I had only read one more chapter and I re-iterated again how much I really HATE that book. He's like come on you just hate it because you don't want to do the work...etc etc etc. I got increasingly belligerent and resentful and stubborn and had visions in my head of stabbing the book and taking pictures and sending it to him, then beating it with rocks, hanging it from a noose and burning it at the stake, photographing each step and sending to him just to prove how much I hate that book! I argued that I liked other of Rhonda's books, and got stuff out of them, and that I liked other self help books and made some changes. He still rode me on this one, I know it was because it helped HIM so much, but still he wasn't listening to me or giving me any credit for what I did so far. I am just doing this because I care Cassie. Yes I know I know but why can't you give me credit for what I did so far? and say you believe I can do more instead of sit here and say what you think I am not going to do? This is not helping me I said! Not one bit.

So I went to bed, falling asleep with my ex-BF on my mind, my son, and asked for healing from the full moon energy. And I woke up with that song in my head, no memory of visiting my ex in my dreams and no answers for my problems with my son. I got ready and headed to work, doing my morning prayers and pooping on the Wayne Dyer CD I was listening to, the one I meant to listen to driving back from VT but got sidetracked by too many phone calls. In it he was telling a story of his problems with one of his daughters who had a drug problem, how they did an intervention and they told her how what she was doing made them all feel so bad. She went out that night and drugged more than ever he said. Then he said he read a story on how a tribe handles it when one goes down a wrong path and causes turmoil for others, and that is to sit them down in the middle of the circle and instead of telling them everything they do wrong, instead tell them everything they do right. He said they tried that with their daughter and it is what turned her around and today she is clean sober and successful.

I guess I am going to have to try harder with my son. I do have lots of good thoughts about him, am proud of him in so many ways, love him deeply and appreciate him. But I don't tell him that enough, usually I am so busy and rushed that most of our communication revolves around me getting on his case for chores he didn't do or trouble he got himself into. Vic had told me to say I love you everyday to him but I hadn't done it every day, I tried I did but so many days he started a fight with me. No it was time for me to remind him what he really is, the good person inside before the teenage fighting years came. He needed me to love him and to show him and tell him why.

I then got a few "signs" about my ex-BF showing me that he doesn't believe or trust that I love him. Him being a simple man looks at the facts, fact was I left him 3 yrs ago, fact was this woman stays with him. I can SAY I love him till the cows come home but I needed actions, and I needed to remind him of who he really is too. Sure there were things about him that were and are less than perfect by my standards, but like I said the things that were the big things that mattered most he stood above the rest for the most part. Again I am not here to be loved I am here to love, he needs to be reminded that he can be and is loved. It isn't my karma to worry about that woman, his deal is with her not mine. I am not out to hurt her, I need to quit wishing I can get him back, if that's our destiny it will happen without me doing anything. I am just here to love, and to show him why he's lovable.

Think on this today.....are you tearing those around you down and nagging them and pointing out the negative things they need to change? Or are you reminding them of all the good things they have been or done?The good person they were born to be before all the pain and hurt put some scars on em? How do you feel when some says You know you should blah blah blah as opposed to wow that was so great what you did, I love this about you. Who today can you remind of who they REALLY are?And even more importantly what can you do to remind YOURSELF about the good things about you? Who you REALLY are?

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

This is how you Remind me