7-22-10

7-22-10

So to finish my story of last weekend , I want to get this out there and off my mind before I move into this weekend, today’s card was Retreat and I know this means it’s time to put it aside and go off and meditate and re-center, leaving the situation in God’s hands. I won’t spend my life anymore hoping to get the outcome I want. A quote from my friend Mari, who has a spiritual business (see link below) illustrates this best:
There's a big difference between patience and imprisonment. Desiring something and then waiting, fretting and wondering when it’s going to happen is imprisonment. Desiring something and then living your life full out in every other way, trusting that all is as it should be and configuring for you in perfect timing is true patience. Give your dreams some breathing room. And let the magic begin! ~Mari~

So on with the story… Sunday I am heading down the shore with my new bike, intending to ride around and get some practice in for the trip with my ex, I know how he loves to ride and it’s been my dream also but one I’ve not done much about. But one thing after another went wrong, the park was full and they weren’t letting us in so I had to wait, then the traffic was horrendous and worst of all once I finally got there, got my bike out, tags all off, ready to ride I pedaled off only to find out the back tire didn’t have enough air! Ugh! I still had 2 more hours before he was to arrive and it was 93 degrees! Feeling frustrated and sorry for myself I headed off to the seaside restaurant to have a drink and a sandwich and stay out of the heat. I did notice though an ad there for seaside weddings, and had also driven by one taking place! Of course being female that got me to fantasizing about having my own wedding there someday…(yeah yeah I know the men out there, and some women, are all rolling their eyes at this)  But anyway he soon texted me to see if I was there and that he was on his way. He also texted me that the Eclipse had worked. If you recall the week before I was there to celebrate the eclipse and I had shared with him that this is a time for imagining and making plans for what you want in your life. He said he didn’t want to ask for anything its best not to get your hopes up but I encouraged him to envision a good day job with regular hours and weekends off, one that one job instead of two would pay enough to live on and he admitted that would be a great thing to have. And when he got there and he told me the story that’s close to what happened, at least a start, one of his jobs got switched around to more normal hours and I can see it paving the way to his eventual goal. It made me think that maybe the other things we dreamed about could also come true…

But anyway here we were back at our beach and I had said that before summer was over I wanted to bare myself completely and this day I did body and soul! I fearlessly told him everything in my heart, and also things I hadn’t talked about before regarding why I left him and what was on my mind at that time—how secretly I hoped he’d come for me, he said he did three times and finally gave up! I told him the reason I hung up every time he called wasn’t because I was mad but because for some reason he had always called when I was sitting there crying over him! He said why didn’t I say so before……fear was the only answer I had.

I didn’t face all fear that day though I didn’t go out far into the ocean with him, despite his urgings, and I felt bad for that because I know how much he wants a woman to “play” with him, to be brave and ride with him and swim with him and that’s a big part of why I left him, and we talked about it this day. He had begged me for three months to date him and I kept turning him down, the reason is I knew I was not the adventurous, sporty gal that he dreamed of, and when we dated and I’d only ride a short while with him and made him go slowly at that I felt so bad for him and hated to see that sad look on his face. I explained to him this day that is why I left him. He told me he did find a woman like that he was dating now but he and she never had the intimacy he and I share, not just physical but emotional, we truly were best friends too he and I and we connect on levels deeper than some people even imagine exist. But he loved her kids, didn’t want to lose them in his life, told me stories of how good it felt to be loved and needed and responsible and that a family is what was missing from his life. He said he wanted me but I had left him, that he tried and tried to get me back but I turned him down, broke his heart and he finally settled on this situation that brought him much sadness but also joy in other ways. He said he wished she would leave and he could keep the kids but he would never cause that to happen and I know he wouldn’t he sticks to his commitments whether they make him happy or not, another honorable thing about him. He said when they are grown he will be free but I said despite that they are teenagers that can take years.

So we talked of good things, the trip coming up, the great things of the past. He still is amazed that the 36 weeks we dated (he counted) were so significant to him and how it set him on a path of change in his life. I felt joy and sadness back and forth all day, it was so exhausting! At the end of the day I was filled with mostly sadness, I gave him a SpiritStone and told him to keep it close, I hugged him and when he asked did I still like him I said sure but I want you to love me, he said I do love you, but I love every body and he looked as sad as I felt…….. I headed home alone with a heavy heart and spent the next 24 hrs talking to friends and discussing the whole situation, what I wanted and what was. I reviewed the reading I had gotten from Miyuki and recalled how she said this time with him there would be “bombshells” that hurt over and over, that we were drawn together, that we were fated but in the end I would leave him again. Of course I know that readings are only a guide to shed light, it is we who must choose the course by taking actions and so I did.

I got up the next morning and I prayed and I told God—I want this man, I am willing to share my life with him now, but I don’t want anyone hurt or anything not according to your perfect plan and I want the highest good for EVERYONE to come about. And then I also prayed for help with my fear of riding fast on the motorcycle as I so much wanted to bring him joy and completeness and I know that really it was only fear that held me back, in reality it was something I also really wanted to do. I didn’t know what was going to happen or how long it would take but I was ready, and the card of the day when I pulled it was manifestation! Woohoo!

So I texted him later and asked if he had time to see me one night this week, he texted no but would soon. Then he called me at lunch time, but it wasn’t a happy call at all, and he asked me did someone answer my hiking/biking ad and did I tell them he and I were dating, when I explained that no we are just friends and why would I say otherwise to someone who replied to my ad he said wow see how she lies. I then made a choice, I decided no more hanging out, no vacation, this was starting to be complicated and not so nice and well if someone was going to get hurt I wasn’t going to be the cause of it. I had gone as far into this as I could, and if we were going to be he was going to have to do more thinking, come to his own choices and meet me halfway or go back where he came from. He was sad but accepting and other than a few I miss you texts we’ve not had any more interaction. Today I put in the mail the hiking and biking maps of Vermont I had ordered (he loves maps) , the card today was Retreat, and that’s what I have done. This was hard , very hard, especially when I realize that the only thing that kept me before from everything I had wanted was insecurity and fear, and because of that I lost him. I know he and I both grew from knowing each other, and also during the three years apart too, and now we are better, more mature people and that after all is most important.
I now am alone again on the shore of my life, waiting for a lover to come, working on putting aside the pain, and finding ways to wait in joyful hope for what and who God will bring to me. I will work on gratitude for what I have and patience for what is yet to come, whatever- whoever that may be.

Now would be a good time to take a look in your own lives and see what fears are holding you back in your own life, and ask for help to get over them. While at the shore we talked of swimming and my fear of it and I told him I probably could if I could get rid of the panic and the tensing up and thrashing I do when I get in up to my waist, and he said how his grandmother could float on her back and I explained it’s just a matter of laying back, relaxing, trusting. The same is true of life………this weekend I backed out of my social event down the shore and will spend time working with the energies of the full moon and it’s powerful healing energies. And yes I will be loved, but first more fully by ME by working on healing the past, rising above my fears and making the very best I can of the life and the people I have right now.

With Love and in the Light, Cassie



Meet Me Halfway

For what I wouldn't give. For the seashore and the beach. And you and me playing in the sand. For a moment in time we would live. Making love with the rhythm of the waves. You'd have all I have to give. The Outlaw Poet

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