8-24-10

Matthew 18:3 Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

8-24-10

What is it about men that when you want them they practically ignore you but as soon as you decide to turn your back and start walking away they are there looking for you everyday? Why is that can you tell me?

This is what I asked Victor Monday on the phone because while we were talking my ex-BF texted me, second day in a row. Hey I am not all men don't ask me Vic says and you know I told you not to mention his name to me again. He was just getting back at me I figured because last fall I listened to him go on and on ad-nauseum about a girl he had broken up with or her with him whatever! Reminding him of this though serves no purpose because rather than show extreme gratitude for my tireless compassion, my ever ready to listen ears (sometimes I even fell asleep on the phone, not that he noticed) and my loyalty as a friend he just tells me I was being too co-dependent and enabling and never should have allowed him to ramble on about it as much as I did. Have I told you all how much I want to smack Vic most of the time, and then hug him later? He's the kind of friend that the only reason you don't shove him into traffic is because you know you'd be running out there to save him 2 seconds later.

But I digress....anyway my ex-BF texted me saying: I visited you last night. Now I knowing him as well as I do knew exactly what that meant, he visited me in his dreams. What did you see I texted back. You at a temporary rental, small place in town close to street on triangle intersection restaurant across street. What town I texted back, thinking perhaps he was seeing the future me. Looks like Monmouth Beach he says. Then I text about not wanting to move anywhere alone and I am scared to do that. Truly I don't want to move out of my house alone, I wanted to either stay there or move in with a new husband or partner. You got like 3000 friends he texted back. True but when it's time to move a couch I got none!, I sent back. He returned: You always got me to count on. Now in retrospect I see the proper reply would have been aww thanks but instead I reply: It's not right or fair for me to ask you for help, thinking about the "family" he already had. I looked up the town and saw it was too far from work and texted back: Nope that's wrong too far from work. He texted the name of another town, too far also I texted. and just for good measure and because I was feeling cranky : I am not moving that far from my job unless its with a rich guy (as in one who would support me so I don't have to work) I really shouldn't have said that though, it wasn't nice and not true either, for one I'd move anywhere for love, and two no matter how rich the man I'd want to keep my job or some job. I got the texts to stop anyway which is what I thought I wanted...

Later, talking to Mary she pointed out that he was probably on the spiritual plain trying to work this all out, trying to design a plan for us that will work. Well he needs to go back to the drawing board I said! She just laughed at me and said but see how sweet was that when he said you can count on me to help you, she said you know that's always been true Cassie, now that's love. I did recall that too and how it does mean so much to me and part of why I love him so much. He's like men from back home, the kind who can fix your car, move furniture, help you out when you need it..like a Dad in some ways...just what I always wanted.... Be a little more patient with him Cassie she said, he's trying, at least he's thinking you know how he is but if this time you can be a little more patient you can make this work. Right now whatever you want you can get if you are sure you want him you will have him if you can hang in there and after all he wouldn't be in this situation to fix if you hadn't left him in the first place she reminded me gently. Ok fine I said, lets go work on your blog and put him out of my mind.

This morning I woke up with the memory of a dream fresh in my mind. In it I was walking towards a school next to a young boy about 10 or 12, he had light brown tousled hair and shabby mismatched clothes, far too thin for his age. He handed me a paper with writing on it and I took it and examined it and wrote something on it for him and handed it back, he told me he didn't want to go to school and told me of how they picked on him, no one would play with him. I hugged him and encouraged him and sent him on his way.....the dream ended....and as I came more fully awake I realized this was probably my ex-BF as a boy. He had told me when we dated, and again in Vermont a few weeks ago, of how he got put in school early because his Mom had to work two jobs and he was smart enough to pass proficiency tests. But he never fit in, always being smaller and younger and having few friends to play with, not nice clothes, not enough food, and smarter than the others. He said it made them mad when he raised his hand and got things right but I wasn't gonna back down he said, school was too important. I had to work hard and graduate so I'd get a good job I knew that. And a responsible hard worker he is. So hey who was I to question his wanting to ride and play and get back some of that childhood now....I warmed at the dream of him as a boy and was grateful to get to visit that time with him and comfort him and maybe set him on the path of healing his inner child and the hurts he still carries from it.

I texted him before I went to work and said: I visited you last night....I just got a text back just a bit ago. He replied: I thought that was you.....

Today is a full moon, a healing moon a time to release things and to fix those things inside of us that still hurt. The inner child wounds that still cause us pain, the things we buried deep inside. I know we have our "buttons" to push because they are on top of those wounds protecting them. I tell you this though, life coaching and self help may be able to teach you how to have healthy boundaries, how to navigate relationships and survive in this world with those wounds. But only God can heal them, remove them, make us brand new like we never even had them in the first place! What childhood pain have you held onto for far too long? Can I reach out and give you a hug and encourage you to put it down and walk away from it? Please? You know you've carried it far too long.....time to let it go, you don't need it it's not doing you any good anymore.....


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Broken