9-14-10

9-14-10

Today is my youngest son's Birthday, a special day indeed for both he and I as today he is 20 and no longer a teen. I feel more a man than ever......yet still not a man in that he still needs help with choices and decisions. These growing up years are the hardest of all I think, from age 16 to 21, the years where Mom and Dad know nothing, they are breaking away and establishing their independence, putting in roots of their own. It's been hard on me more so that the traditional nuclear family too, I have had to play both Mom and Dad to my sons, my ex-husband Gus passed in 2001, we had divorced in 1997, and even when married he wasn't present due to drug and alcohol addictions. I know too that I wasn't the most present parent due to my emotional issues related to the abuse I got from a husband like that.

When I divorced Jeremy my youngest kept begging me to find him a new daddy, he was only 6 when my husband was taken to jail in 97 and had slept through most of the horrors that his older brother who was 11 that year went through. All he knew was the man who played with him after work, took him riding on the quad, and cooked him dinner was gone. He didn't remember that he started drinking 30 min after getting home, had driven drunk with him on the road on that quad and crashed into a sticker bush later when he was only 2 (no wonder this one is such a daredevil), or that far too frequently he left a lasagna to burn in the oven and slapped me around when I yelled at him for it because I was afraid the house would burn down with us in it. No he didn't remember that, he does remember being taken by his Aunt Danielle to see Dad in the criminal psychiatric hospital that one Easter, it was to be his last time ever seeing him too. I so didn’t want to let him go for his supervised visit but my divorce lawyer feared them threatening for custody if I didn’t allow the visits. They only bothered to take him once anyway so perhaps she made a good call on that.

At any rate he came home from work today as I was heading out to work (he works as a stock clerk nights at WaWa) so I told him Happy Birthday and that I would be coming home later with a cake and was going to cook on the grill for his dinner and he should invite a few of his friends. Over the years I have become "Mom" to quite a few of the boys in town, I was the type who would rather have my boys home than out which is why I fought so hard to keep this old house on the river with the 5 acres of land, and bought them used dirt bikes and scooters and quads and even got gifted and old VW bus one year complete with 60's psychedelic paint job! My older boy was more into the trampoline, and also built a wrestling ring and did backyard events and kids came from all over NJ to compete and film it. But anyway he tells me for the hundredth time he is depressed and I tell him for the hundredth time that my answers are the same, lets go to the doctor, or how about Reiki that’s what cured me, and do you want to go back to therapy. He never wants to do any of these things and I as usual get frustrated and tell him I don't know what to tell him.
I don't know either and honestly I was looking forward to escaping down near the bay to my own one bedroom apartment and leaving him here to rent from Todd. Let him grow up and be a man like his brother did! He never got along with any of my boyfriends, not that many made it to the stage of being in my home and meeting my sons. The only one really who knew them was my MM and my son just adores him! I recall him saying to a friend that it's like mom dated him just for me he bragged. But too many times of getting promised to be taken snowmobiling, and only one trip out quadding together left him hurt and feeling rejected by him, he took this out by starting fights with me to get his attention which just made things worse. He loved my boyfriend, now Mystery Man so much though and wanted him to like him the first time Jeremy got arrested was for riding the quad on the road and receiving stolen goods, he bought a stolen remote car for my MM for Christmas and had it wrapped and under the tree (I still regret making him confess but I thought it was the right thing to do) My response was to take his quad and give it to my MM for safekeeping. Yeah he never wanted my son around, never having been a father he didn't know how to handle the situation just backed off and told me he never wanted us both to move in with him for fear he'd punch a wall or break something in his house. Funny though now he tells me how his current "kids" let water soak into his house and ceiling and not tell him about it, my son never would have caused that kind of damage he would have fixed the leak himself.........guess he’s learned a few things about father hood now….

But anyway I am called now to work more on my mother son relationship, I am praying hard for God to show me more patience with him, balanced with the right amount of do this for yourself attitude--and what a tight rope that is! He's my son and I can't abandon him, my MM keeps his "family" I must keep mine. So I posted a picture of Jeremy and a nice BD wish for him on my facebook page, I know all my friends will reply to him and I can print it out and show him, he always was such a helper at my BBQs over the years. These people from CassiesCalendar.com are an extended family to us and very loving and kind, we never go with out a few thanksgiving and Christmas dinner invitations, (even though lately I have my son and several of his friends over and cook a meal) It's good to be mom, and someday its going to be even better to be a grandma! I already drool over my college friends grand kid pics! And after posting the Birthday greeting for Jeremy his older brother Dustin posted and then deleted a hurt "oh see you like him best comment"! Oy Vey! I really regret not speaking to him when he called me Sunday for my birthday and I asked him to call back as I was out to dinner with my MM-----I, like every parent have a chalkboard full of mistakes that were put on with paint instead of chalk.....

So it looks like I have some family issues to set right before I can move onto my happily even after peaceful days with whomever is going to be there to spend my older years with. I want to have a houseful every holiday that I do know. I guess my MM is right to stay with "his family" too at least till they can support themselves. I am still moving out and getting an apartment, and if Jeremy stays in Flemington I will go see him at least once a week for dinner. I told both my boys they always have a home with me, and if they want it it will be there whoever I am with will have to accept them as I would his. Beth tells me the energies coming in are all about family so it seems I am right on track.......tomorrow I am going to see her for a Reiki treatment, tonight I am celebrating my son's birth with him and I bet ya 10 of his friends---

Today stop and think about your family, especially your kids if you have any. What can you do to improve the relationships you have with them? If you are short on answers then PRAY, give it to god and see what he can do........all that is needed is a willing heart.........as long as you got each other.......



With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Growing Pains


I've got my work cut out for me.....(he was mad because I got him cake instead of a case of beer)  LOL