8-29-10

8-29-10

Well I said I wanted to learn how to handle rejection and I got a HUGE dose of it so far this weekend! I think I am handling it OK, sad, worried, lost, confused? Sure I am all of those things. Ready to give up, indulge to ease the pain, die? Nope not there, whew! I am going to get through this with my head up, like an adult, with my chin up, ready to make a new plan and move onward.

It all started on Friday afternoon, it was after 2pm and I still hadn’t heard from my ex-BF. Last I heard from him was Tuesday and he had said maybe he wanted to see me Friday. I had friends contacting me wanting me to decide on my weekend plans but I wanted to see him most of all I didn’t care what anyone said. I wavered between just leaving it be and if he didn’t contact me again and texting him myself. I asked Todd and he said go ahead text him but only wait 1hr for a reply. So I did. In the meantime I got an e-mail from my mortgage broker who had bad news. My appraisal came in too low and it looked like my application for re-finance was going to be rejected unless we could find better comps and challenge the appraisal. It was hideously low, he had chosen places in the worst part of town and with NO land, mine was on 5 acres of river front property! I came home and talked to Todd and he said he’d talk to his lawyer this week and look into doing a rent to own thing, he could move Jeremy in with him and rent out my side and would basically be paying the same amount. I would have to find a rental but at least I wouldn’t have to pay those huge heating bills this winter, I actually haven’t paid off last years yet so I don’t need a psychic to know there is no heat in my future unless I get out. So I don’t know how this is going to turn out but I know one thing, I am ready to move before Christmas and I am going to make that happen! I went and started looking for places to rent where I think I want to live….

Shortly after I got the bad news on the house situation my Ex-BF replied to my text, sure we had fun before lets do it again. It didn’t seem like him and I was almost afraid “she” had his phone and was messing with me. Where and when I texted back. I dunno sat or or sun night I let u know. Ugh I thought to myself what happened to Friday night I wondered and what was he hoping to do that was more important to him than seeing me? Playing with friends most likely I thought. OK I said, but let me know early because my friends want to see me but I’d rather see you. Sure will he texted. So I headed home feeling a bit rejected and trying to figure out how to spend my evening, bike ride? Find friends and go out?, movie? Drive to shore? Nothing sounded good I just wanted him. As I said though I talked to Todd and he said he’d look into buying or rent to own this week and I got a bit happy thinking FINALLY I can leave this house, finally it will let me go and I recalled my shaman and Beth both saying once I learn what I need to here it will “kick me out” quickly. So I decided to drag out the boxes I had packed 3 yrs ago and get rid of more stuff, if I hadn’t needed this stuff in all that time why was I holding onto it? Things drag you down its always better to live an uncluttered life.

While working on this project I took breaks and looked online for places to rent in the towns that I like (the one just north of and the one just south of where my ex-BF lives) I love this area so much and have been called to move there not just for me but for me to be near the water to help heal it. That message is very strong in my soul. My friends think it’s a dumb move, far from work and that I only want to go there because I want to get him back and I shouldn’t make a move like that based on a man who was making me no promises to leave and be with me. I asked Mary about this at lunch sat and she said I cant lie to you, 30% of why is because of him. I was like oh crap but she said don’t forget 30% is because spirit wants you there to heal the water and the area and 30% is YOU , you love it there. I did see something very interesting, a small place, rent to own and sent a message to the Realtor for more info. I also noticed that my ex-BF logged online about 8pm and stayed on till 11 and I was annoyed and feeling like he was just playing cat and mouse and hard to get with me, but I recognized that perhaps he felt my indecision earlier in the week was just a game too, it wasn’t but I know he has little trust for me. Mary said as broken as he was when I left him it’s a miracle he sees me at all. For god’s sake why cant he see that it was him not accepting me as I was that I left? He said he’d be OK with me not being sporty like him but he never stopped complaining about it or trying to get me to change. He said he’d wear ear plugs and deal with my snoring too but he never stopped complaining about that either. You are not good enough for me was what rang inside me loud and clear each time this happened.

But anyway, I was having so much fun and feeling so empowered that I stayed up till nearly 2am working! At one point I felt like my ex-BF was in the room with me, saying what the heck are you doing up this late, what are all these boxes, stop doing this moving around. Now I knew he was sleeping at this time and I know he “travels” to see me when he’s sleeping but communicating with him when I was awake was a new one! I asked him the next day did he dream about me last night and he said yeah yeah I did something about UPS and boxes. I told him what was going on and we marveled at it.

In the morning I made plans to see Mary for lunch and told my friends I would give him till 3pm if I did not hear from him I would meet them. But he texted just after that and said to meet him at 6pm at the beach he wanted to surf after work. I said OK I will come watch you (knowing how he loved it when I watched him play as his mother worked 2 jobs when he was growing up) he texted back that he wanted me to try it too. Ugh I thought here we go again, I gave him up for this new woman so he’d have a playmate and be happy and he still wanted to make me be who I was not. I texted back saying why cant you accept me for who I am as I have come to accept you? Just joking he texted. We all know what people joke about they really mean. But I wasn’t going to be a hurt child about it I just texted back Muuhhaa see you later. I got no reply…….. After meeting Mary I rushed home and changed and headed back out to go down the shore. I wanted to go by the house I saw online and see the neighborhood if I could squeeze it in. I got there and loved the area, and people were there doing repairs, I so wanted to go look right then but knowing how precious my ex-Bfs free time was I didn’t want to make him wait a minute on me. I was pretty excited though, Dave had told me he saw me in a small house, forget the condo idea, and it was in a hidden area I didn’t know about and near water. This place was all those things! Just small but that’s OK….

I head down and the song came on about Beautiful girls and how the guy wasn’t going to love one because it just led to him feeling suicidal, ugh what if this is a sign of how he’s thinking? Ugh I hope not…6pm and he was not there, I texted saying I am here where are you--working--does this mean you aren’t coming? 45 more min he sent back. So I went on the beach to do my prayers and leave a SpiritStone. The water seemed dirty, had a green foam on it, I could feel its sadness so I sent it Reiki and I left a stone, I also gathered some stones the waves brought in. They seemed to talk to me and said I can use them for my new idea I am working on and were happy to be collected. Then he arrived and as I watched him walk across the beach he looked so different, not the guy I know at all. He looked tired and beat down , but tanned and muscular, his eyes though didn’t look the same either. He laid down next to me and we talked some and then decided to go sit in the truck and make out. It wasn’t so much fun as usual for me, it was no Comfort Inn that’s for sure and I didn’t get the affection that I usually got either. After I said do you have time for dinner or do you have to go? She gets home at 8:30 he said I gotta go………..

I can’t tell you how rejected I felt at that moment. But I didn’t yell I just said good night and left. Driving north I couldn’t even cry. I decided to go to the town I want to move to and eat dinner and walk along the bay and think. He hadn’t even asked about where the place was I was looking at, maybe he’d be mad if I moved close. I walked around and felt sad, this is where we used to go and walk or sit and eat and feed the seagulls is this the only reason I love this place? What if I run into them together at Wal-mart? Being so close and yet so far is going to hurt like hell am I torturing myself? What if he does still see me on the side, what if I spend the rest of my life living near him, getting 1 hr visits once or twice a week and then he goes home to her? But I still felt the strong pull that the Universe wanted me there, to heal the waters to heal the area………wow maybe it wanted me there to heal him…I know when Vic hung out with me a lot his bum knee from a skiing accident felt better, he marveled how he could do dance moves that he didn't used to be able to do. I know when my ex-BF was with me everything got better in his world too, he even said so. No I am pretty sure that I am still going to move there, and even if I never see him again I am going to be close and I am going to send healing to him, to the water, when I let the Reiki healing energy flow through me and out it heals me too….

I realize now that he was coming to me in his dream to tell me to quit messing with hoping his life would change, it was me who wished he’d get to be a driver and he got a bad shift. He had asked me if the poems from Outlaw poet I left on CL for him to find were me and how dumb it was to post there. I lied (which is very rare for me) and said I had no idea. I also realize the song in my head Saturday morning, Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man, was about him and the answer, at least for now is no. My card reading said he was confused and depressed with the pressure of this situation. He also said that I have the power in me to make whatever out come I want to happen. But I can’t use my power to make his choices for him. I wouldn’t be happy if I made it happen, he needs to choose it. I know he would be better off with me, sporty girl or not I love him and his life was better with me in it. Wow I have half a glimpse of how God must feel, wanting us to choose him, loving us un-conditionally and yearning for us to choose him….

Today think about how you want to live YOUR life, where you want to be and what you want to do and don’t count on ANYone else to be there. Go about the work of healing yourself and fixing the life you have. Your life is the only one you have control over, the only one you should have control over. Trust me even if you could MAKE someone love you, you really don’t want to, nothing that is not given freely, or is demanded, or is got through deception means anything. Take only what is freely given and find your happiness in that.

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Are You Strong Enough to Be My Man