So just as I was finishing up the blog before this one I get a text from my ex-BF. That was awsOme, me: I am glad I made u feel good…Did I do it wrong? Me: not at all just my head if I don’t feel loved I don’t enjoy I miss the affection we used to share, I am not mad u told me the deal starting out….Sorry I didn’t have a lOt 0 time. Me: I know u had to get home to her I didn’t yell did I? I went and had dinner alone in town…I weel sorry but we can d0 this week. Me: if I could have been the sporty woman she is I could have had u its my fault not yours I am alone….I can see u this week he sent back... Me: I work days and you work nights now…
The phone rang then and it was him. What’s this about a sporty chick he asked? I don’t want to talk about it now I am sad and when I am sad everything’s out of proportion. I messed up he said. I just started rambling at that point about no no I knew the deal going in, you didn’t lead me on or lie to me I just didn’t know I was going to feel this way. I don’t want to talk about it I will deal just forget it. I messed up he said again, I came to work at 9 and they don’t open till 10 I knew it was Sunday today but I got all messed up. Well go get some breakfast and sit and feed the seagulls you like to do that I said. I am doing that he said and calling you I like that too. You left so fast last night he said, I was hurt I said you didn’t tell me you only had a short time you were supposed to tell me, I thought you wanted to meet and then have dinner and hang out like last time you asked me. And then you had to rush home to her, made me feel like a hooker I said. I wish someone wanted to treat me like a hooker he said that would be kinda fun. That’s when the tears started, I gotta go I cant talk to you and hung up on him.
I sat there and sobbed like a child, my whole body shaking and big huge tears falling down. Crying like a little girl, crying like I don’t usually let myself now that I am supposedly a grown up, crying just like when I was a kid I ran and I hid under the table and cried all alone, hoping someone would come find me and comfort me and hold me telling me it was going to be OK. Then I realized, no one came then and no one was going to come now and I needed to deal with this. I recalled all my readings, and Mary’s prodding, the Shaman’s advice and knew I had to quit acting like a hurt child. I knew he also was doing some of his stuff out of hurt too but when it came to us I had hurt him so I had to fix that. I recalled how the night I took this workshop on attracting your soul mate, the one that attracted my ex-BF to me is the night I met Mary…maybe she was an angel sent by God to help these two wounded souls get together. I pulled the angel card of the day and it was Soul Mate, So I decided to text him…
I not mad just sad when u got time let me know I’d still rather see u than find someone new right now, bye u have a good day…. He replied: Did I l00K dif n0 mustache? He wanted to talk while he had time, he did have an extra hour of time unexpectedly I should use that gift and communicate some I decided. U don’t look like my guy anymore….Is it a better l00k? I sent him the pic I found while packing/unpacking and then texted: my opinion don’t count. Oh, he replied…..dang it Cassie I muttered to myself and then texted: leave me be I am sad nothing good is going to come out when I am sad, I will deal with this and get happy again, text me later when u can see me next time and just please tell me if you only got a hour or so so I don’t hope for more. OK that was better but still whiny I thought so I sent: PS I lied to u yesterday that wuz me posted those poems I hoped it would remind u what love feels like, sorry u got annoyed I will stop. He replied: Aw u so cute I new it I was following ur messages. Yes and I must not lead u your own heart must u must make your own choices I don’t meant to boss u OK? He replied: Did u get any responses…nope I wasn’t looking for anyone else anyway those were for you…Aww that’s so nice he replies. Time to wrap this up I thought, I was already going to miss church today but I wanted to get some clean up done of all the boxes I tore out. I sent: I just wanted some fun this summer and instead I unlocked the love in me for u I thought was hid safe and now I hurt cuz u don’t love me back. He replied: Sure I do. OMG how can he say that when he acts another way? Communicate Cassie communicate don’t run away so I sent: No hug no kiss no hand holding no smile when u see me no time to eat rush home to her that don’t feel like love. I was out of routine actin likw wit da wife 00ps was his reply, and I realized the truth there, he was an affectionate person but 3 yrs of being shoved aside by someone who didn’t want him made him too shy to reach out, especially to the person who left him in that position, and honestly when I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with me he had said well she does go right to bed….but me being already mad didn’t want to listen to that part. He wanted to be with me but like the reader said it was tearing him up, depressing him, he was confused. OK I am going to keep loving him, not expecting anything and let God work on this. I would know when it was time to stop God wouldn’t ask me to keep doing this forever if he didn’t heal and choose to come back to me. I texted back OK I wont give up yet I will try to not hurt c u soon I hope. He replied: C u soon and a kissy face.
So I made progress, I felt my pain and I worked through it. And you know as soon as I did I felt better I remembered some of the good things about the day before. How we had sat and watched the sun go down and looked up at the sky together and he said look at the pink sky making the water look pink, and I said yeah and look at the purple too and we just paused and marveled at it….we do love nature (yesterdays angel card). I also remembered asking Mary something. I said my voice inside keeps telling me that he read my blogs, what do u get? Yes she said yes I think so. I teared up and I told her how my voice had told me that the man who is to love me is going to do so by reading my blogs I so hope that it’s him I know he doesn’t trust me and if he really knew how I felt he would. I then remembered he said something about he read my website, but at the moment I was focused on him complaining about the poems by The Outlaw Poet I posted. I do want him to know my true heart but there’s so little time to talk to him and tell him, and I am so shy too! I also remembered that while waiting for him there was a wedding going on, at the beach, I want to get married there….I took a pic with my phone and sent it to my e-mail….
I went to my g-mail to retrieve it and found a message from the Realtor--sorry that little house was rented as of Friday, the message she sent me was at 6:01pm when I was waiting for him and he wasn’t coming yet…OK I told her here is what I am looking for, just for one but get me a 2 bedroom anyway just in case my son ends up with me after all and please let me know if that falls through or those people move soon, I have a tendency to get what I want against all odds, God kinda blesses me that way I typed. I then got an IM from a guy I met a few years ago who was running for county Freeholder, he lost but I liked his platform…..he was running again in November. I told him my sad tale of the Historical society and how they spent the money and didn’t buy my house, promise to re-vist that and I will work hard to get you elected I typed. Wow I am asking for favors too I should be in politics! But this is for the good…so I gave him some homework to do for his campaign and said we will talk this week. Next I got an e-mail from Wendy who wants to help me with developing my psychic powers and intuition. Perfect I say and we start plans to set up a class. Intuition is the next chapter in the book that Vic and I decided that I will work on. I know mine is very strong but again off because of my distorted filter. He called then to ask why I didn’t show up for mass and to talk about the business plan for SpiritStones launch for Christmas. I had to wrap this mess up first I told him but when I was at the beach yesterday the stones were talking to me and they gave me a new idea……..
Yep life’s pretty awesome, and when you make the right choices and move in a better direction it’s amazing how the universe jumps for joy and starts putting options in front of you! There’s still more but I must clean up around here and get ready for my week. Its going to be nice and I want to ride my bike and get out walking too. I am going to leave my ex-BF troubles with God and him to work out. The house too will work out. I don’t know when I am moving or where or with who. I don’t know who I am going to end up marrying either, and you know God doesn’t either, he knows what is best but each of us has the choices to make for ourselves that will form that future. I just need to clear the mess, be patient with the unanswered questions and listen…..
or maybe i do know....just posted:
you've found your man~the one you can love~without being sorry~just take his hand~tell him you care~talk with his heart~~~~~you've found your man~give him your all~you will be safe~go take your stand~for he's the one~your kind of love~~~~the outlaw poet
or maybe not......
hes looking tired and wasted~with that long hair and beard~he is weak from not eating~giving his food to some friends~he walks with a bag lady~helps a wino up on a bench~then hugs a dieing meth addict~tells her love is heaven sent~setting behind those stained glass windows~with your country club view~you wouldn't recognize jesus~if he was setting next to you~~~the outlaw poet
this sounds more like he's choosing her and kids cuz i have a place to live and they don't, that would be just like him...oh well God will give him a limited time to work this out, in the meantime i must put it out of my mind and work with my reality and myself *sigh* so much time we waste so much so much
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