7-8-10

7-8-10

What a week this has been! I am on vacation and had hoped to spend it having loads and loads of fun and instead spent the larger part of it home and in pain because of my back. Not that it really mattered too much though as the temperatures here were like 105 most of the week, along with humidity and I can't enjoy the outdoors in those kind of conditions anyway. I had hoped to spend part of the time going out and having fun and the other part cleaning out my shed and getting some preparations done for moving. (still no buyer yet but I am keeping the faith) I also had to cancel my plans to go see Lady Gaga at Madison Square Garden because I knew I couldn't stand up that long. (we love to get floor tickets to be up close to the action) But I didn't fall into self pity that things didn't go as planned. It actually has turned out to be a good week for reflection, healing and growth for me.

I spent a lot of time on Monday talking to my ex-BF about our relationship and why I left him. I realized that the things that I left him over really related to ONE thing, and that was that I didn't think he loved me enough, he still can't believe I felt that way. Three years later and the man still comes to move couches for me and take me to the beach and listen to me pour out my troubles to him and hold me when I cried---who was I kidding? If that isn't enough love what ever would be? And what the heck was ever going to be enough? So I spent some time on this subject, talked to some friends and also asked God to shed some light on the subject for me as well. And he came through like always in the form of articles and sayings posted by my friends on facebook, stories, songs, poems.... I keep telling you all the signs are always there if you look!
One article in particular grabbed me it was from Osho's newsletter and the title was: What You Need is Love Not Another Diet
http://www.osho.com/main.cfmArea=Magazine&...amp;CFTOKEN=84331874


This was amazing!! I got so much from this one! I even saw the explanation to my diet plateau here. During the winter I was spending a lot of time with a guy, in person and on the phone. It was a very lovely time for me and I was growing and blossoming and I decided to start yet another diet and I was very successful with it---for awhile---but after losing 25 lbs I just could not budge one bit! I now see that the weight loss tapered off just about the time the relationship started to taper off. And I looked back to my last relationships as well and saw similar patterns--when I felt loved and had "enough" attention I didn't eat much, when I didn't get the love and attention I wanted I ate. Food really did equal love to me! When I felt I was being loved I ate less, when I felt like I wasn't I craved the cookies and the cakes! I even recalled back to the relationship with the ex-BF, at night in bed if he wasn't reaching for me (maybe his favorite show was on TV or he was tired from a long day) I was reaching for the chocolates I kept in the back of the bed. Why I hadn't seen this before I don't know but there it was.

And then I took this further and realized that I need to get to a point where it doesn't matter who else loves me, because even in the best of relationships that person isn't going to be there for you 24/7. I need to love me enough to not feel the need to fill that void. I have argued till the cows come home that I love myself, it's just my body that I hate, but you know what? I really was fooling only myself. And then I was reading another article about the energies of the coming solar eclipse this weekend and it said: We have to learn to be responsible for our own self-nourishment before we can really nourish another. Otherwise the well runs dry. How can you be of service to others if you can’t be true to yourself? How can you heal yourself enough to really Love one another and the whole Earth? First you have to love yourself!
eclipse-july-11-2010

The article also spoke of emotional connectedness to others and I was reminded by my spiritual adviser that I kept pushing away the love that was offered to me (she reminded me how the more my ex-BF loved me the more I pushed him away or demanded more of him), and instead searched out new men who didn't love me and hanging on and hoping that they would "someday". But my manta is "I don't believe in someday, today is the only day that matters"!! Insanity at its best right? But I must say that I also did learn from the one who didn't want me, surprising as it may be and all those signs I got about him being my soul-mate weren't really so off, I had just interpreted them wrong. I stumbled across this video, that I had heard before but well today was my aha moment to finally "get it" the most profound thing Dr. Dyer says here is this: to those who really push your buttons more than anyone, you should turn to them and bow and say I honor you as my teacher.
read here


So I plan to focus my energies this weekend on healing this, moving on, loving myself so that I can be a better servant to this earth. I am fortunate enough to live near the seashore and plan to spend time there this weekend. I particularly hope to do so at the time of the solar eclipse on Sunday. I hope that you all find time to focus on what emotions you need to heal in your own lives, and be gentle with yourself, be compassionate, celebrate what is "right" about you and forgive what you are still working on because who you are right now really is enough! You have all the love and attention you need right now because you have YOU! So if someone comes along and pushes your buttons don't put up walls and boundaries or run away from them, say thank you, and learn what they came there to teach you.

I advise you all to use these energies of the solar eclipse to do some healing and self love work on yourself, there is much to do in the near future and we need to be our best selves so that we can serve others and our planet well. And when love does show up in your life, and it will!.....don't question it, don't measure and compare it, don't doubt it, don't demand from it, don't time it, don't smother it, don't undervalue it or ignore it.......just accept it.

With Love and in the Light, Cassie






She's not broken,
She's just a baby.
But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad.
and all those flames that burned before him.
Now he's gonna fight your fight, gonna cool the bad.

Lady Gaga- Alejandro